There’s a certain time of doing a repetitive task in which your mind becomes blank. There is no conscious thought; only a receptive mind to whatever information is presented to it.
I was out mucking out the horse stalls (the process of removing horse poop, or horse “apples”, from pine shavings). Scoop shavings onto the tines of the fork, gently shake side to side for the good material to fall out, and then throw the poop into the muckbucket.
Not exactly brainwork but I like it: being in the barn, hearing the horses snort and crunch their hay, watching them enter and exit as they check out what I’m doing, brings me satisfaction of being with them and not having demands on my side as to expectations or desires.
Each of us has our own way of gaining insight: it might be visual, verbally, with sounds or with words, colors or images, etc… I’ve always received very clear sentences – though by clear I mean verbally understandable but which may take me time to process exactly as to the subtle undertone or symbology of the phrase. I’ve had this capacity even in the dreaming state – hearing a voice so clear that it will wake me up from a deep REM state.
It was dusk so I decided to ask Owl: why am I so sad?
After asking (still scooping) without any pre-determined ideas, I received this clear reply as if a voice had spoken in my ear: You are mourning the life you could have had.
Some explanation is needed for readers. Owl means the career life – no husband and no children – but a lot of passion for work in a career (that as ambitious as I was) where I would have moved up rather quickly.
In the past, I have railed about being a full-time mom and wife – a path I rather accidentally-on-purpose chose. I was bitter and angry about those lost opportunities where I could have been in charge of projects, having companionship through work, and seeing success that was applauded or praised by others. I don’t feel those emotions (i.e. angry, bitter, jealous) anymore as I’ve worked through to a better understanding of where my life was at the time I made certain decisions – both good and some I would slightly change for a better outcome (if we had do-overs).
However, I have been feeling a huge wave of sadness that has come out of nowhere, catching me off guard, and so strongly it has overpowered me.
I mean to discuss this with Grenwinae but I fell asleep by 7:30 p.m. and woke at 3 a.m. Poor guy, as I decided to wake him up and tell him about Owl’s message (I guess Owls are really night creatures after all…). He copes a lot better with these nighttime revelations then when we first married (when his snores would quite clearly show that he was no longer listening!). Either he has gotten softer with his snoring (nay) or maybe I just don’t wake him up as much as I used too….?
I had a good cry which I think was long overdue. While I can cry readily over something that is a serious loss, I quickly compartmentalize it so I can move forward and start functioning again. I did this when my father died suddenly of a heart attack when I was in my junior year of college. The problem is this sort of coping works well short-term but it really bites you in the butt when you don’t drain out the internal, emotional build-up.
There needs to be time set aside for me to mourn and let go. The intensity of the real anger I felt way back then is truly gone. However, with returning to job hunt, regrets (“could have”) surface like old, threadbare ghosts. They have no real meaning anymore to my life today — they need to be exorcised and released, so I can move forward.