crossroads

 

Last week before the ice storm hit, the hawks flew by and told me something (a message?) was coming. I wasn’t able to discern the actual message though so we shall see what we shall see.

My job continues to make my head spin with the decisions I know I need to make but don’t want to make. In preparation the resume has been updated. I’ve applied to another job. Will I even get a call… an interview… a choice? (as I wrote this – I got back an email and a tentative time for an interview) Who knows? It’s really about, for me, being in a place where I am open and ready to make the change.

Considering, I replaced a long employer-employee relationship with someone fired after 27 years of service and she has proved to be vindictive, yes, some sort of cleansing would definitely be in order if I was in charge. I think the office could do with either a good old fashioned Exorcism with an experienced Catholic Priest, or maybe with some hag witch we found living under a bridge. Because, as soon as I think we are rounding a corner and getting our feet under us, business wise, we are lopped off at the knees.

The last month I have been fighting the knowledge that I am at this crossroads. I tell myself: oh you can manage another 4 months (that would be my year anniversary) or you can get to the end of the year… but than I go to work with my stomach all squirmy and I know that I am trying to convince myself to hang in there when I know (because of past experiences) what the inevitable will be.

Pros

Close to home.

Like my co-workers.

As boss, I get a lot of flexibility on how things are done around there.

Fantastic pet discount.

I like making a difference.

Am learning a lot of stuff.

Somewhat flexible work schedule.

Son has a part-time employment there so a bit of income that works around school schedule

Cons

Don’t feel appreciated by boss. Drama from boss.

Hours have become very long due to quitting staff.

Responsible for business income (myself and co-work are blamed if income is not up)

Pay is poor and I could easily make more per hour by changing work. As an hourly employee another $2-$4 higher makes quite a difference on that paycheck.

Paydays have continued to be delayed – sometimes up to two days past – and thus payment of my own bills gets delayed. Boss talks about not being able to meet payroll. Some of this really just comes down to money. I need money. I have bills to pay. Right now Grenwinae is working a second job that I don’t want him working. I can’t afford to have my hours cut, be laid off, or lose a job. I work and expect to be paid for my work. I am not a credit system.

Because of my past employment experiences I have doubts the business will continue which could lead to abrupt unemployment.

The biggest issue is that I have no trust or faith that my employer (the owner and boss) has what it takes to succeed. I think she really is screwed up to put it bluntly.

OTOH the fat will be in the fire if I leave. Oh yes, big time because she thinks I am obligated to stay and I know legally that obligation does not exist (long story). So if I give my notice I expect all hell to break loose. The peaceful, no-drama part of me doesn’t want to deal with fall out. I’m not a quitter – I’m a terrier, diving in the hole, with my teeth sunk into the fighting rat.

However, I know that life gets to a point of no-return. In the past I’ve sailed my ship past that warning sign, into the storm, and the resulting damage to myself has always been high. In one instance so high that the lost parts of my heart changed me forever.

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