Monthly Archives: February 2014

disorienting

It has been a weird week and I’m feeling a bit disoriented.

The new job has started. It will be less stress than my last job but it’s not an exciting position. I will get a good paycheck from it and that money will be used to pay off debt and to invest into my new business. Hopefully, in 3 years I will be 100 percent debt free (except for the house) and 100 percent back to being self-employed.

I spent some money on the business ordering supplies. As the packages arrived it was like WOW THIS IS BECOMING REAL! We will be opening online in about two months with a small variety of retail items for the metaphysical, pagan community. I imagine it will be a small splash in the net-a-sphere with becoming a brick and mortar store in 3 years being the real goal.

Most of the product going online is being made by myself and Grenwinae, so I’ve been very busy testing formulas, working out price points, locating vendors/suppliers, and developing the website and business model.

Last night I went to a sleep disorder clinic. After being hooked up to a lot of machines for the night, the upshot is no sleep apnea. The mystery of my weird tiredness continues to be a mystery.

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During one meditation I did receive the enlightenment that when Rabbit and Vulture come into conjunction it usually means a positive and/or quick change/transition.

Vulture delivers

Not working, not only am I bored, but the loss of income is hurting. Working full-time gave a comfort zone so the last two months has been a bit tight and damnably unpleasant.

Moving back to Oklahoma reinforces we are in a hurry up and wait mode; something that has driven me to despair and depression in the past. Should I blame a Mercury Retrograde on this (thankfully ends Feb 28)?

These cycles of sudden movement and stagnation are Rabbit nature – move fast, quickchange in a different direction, or just freeze in place.

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I wrote the above late in the week and was still working on my feelings of limbo, apathy and spinning wheels mode, when I got a call today: a person I had interviewed with a few months back has a re-opening (the person hired, after 6 weeks, has given notice).

I’m to meet her tomorrow to discuss salary, hours etc… This job is still close to home, and it is part-time which is what I want. However, I do think the boss is a bit perfectionistic and her staff have been with her a LONG time (5 and 18 years for the two of them). OTOH, gift horses are gifts so I’m pretty happy!

So once again I am told IT WILL HAPPEN, and I flop around worrying and IT HAPPENS.

Definitely offerings and thanksgivings tonight!

Vultures message – transformation

Vultures’ message was very clear in meditation today. I am in the midst of great, positive change and transformation. Matters are ripening and fruit will be borne soon (by soon I though about 60 days, but see more recent post).

Confirmation that I am on the right path.

Confirmation I have the experience, wisdom and choices needed in my life to realize and materialize what I want.

I was told to bring Grandmothers Cedar Box with me on my next trip to Missouri. Affirmation that this box is for Vultures’ work and it is important that I get it completed soon.

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Around the house I am putting together little vignettes. In each I am trying to bring together the four elements of fire (usually represented by a candle), air/wind (represented by feathers), water (represented by pitchers or shells) and earth (represented by ceramics, clay, rocks or gems).

At each I leave some of the gold coins given to Grenwinae during his job hunt and was used in a job/prosperity spell some time back (but since cleansed for more work). And I’m slowly adding Rose Quartz to each room.

I spend Sunday as a recharge and cleanup day. Today, I redid my bedside table, preparing it for enlightenment and prosperity. I will be doing a job spell for myself in March and I’m gathering together the elements I’ll be needing.

lotusandfrog

The stone beads are brecciated jasper and carnelian (grounding, balance and female power); larger stones of Carnelian and Flurorite (emotions); the green lotus/leaf plate I bought recently (and love it!), the ceramic bowl was bought some time ago as is one of a collection of bowls we have bought over the years of our marriage; inside it holds some of the gold coins.

The crystal lotus and tealight, I bought during my last trip to Missouri; my meditating frog is also from Missouri and bought during our time there.

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Our 4th bedroom is painted blue and faces the Oak tree we planted in the front yard. Here is our Star Lady (bought during our Honeymoon) with glass, candle and coins. When I begin the housework upstairs, I light several candles throughout the area.

starladyblueandpink

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At the top of the stairs is a small grouping dedicated to earth with Yin and Yang symbols. A holey stone gifted by the river in Missouri rests alongside Rose Quartz.
   earthandbone

intruders

Last weekend we went up to the house in Missouri. Our lease ends April 1st and we have been paying our rent out each month, knowing we wouldn’t be released from making the full lease.

Unfortunately, we have not been up there as much as I would have liked and it has worried me. As we arrived, snow on the ground, the lock on the front gates was missing and they were swinging wide. Who knows how long ago it had been breached; it was before the snow because no human or car tracks marked the drive.

Luckily, no one seems to have broke into the house or taken anything from the barn. Although there is not much left to move so hence not much interesting to take (no laptops, televisions etc…). Most of what remains is personal items.

We gathered another load to go home. I figure we probably have two more car loads and at least one U-Haul tow to go. I want to go up again in February but it will depend on finances.

We scattered bird seed, oats, and sweet bell peppers from the fridge across the snow for any animal friends. Each time we visit I end up having a little cry. It was a mixed bag living there but it represented a big change for us. Many mixed emotions.

snowtracks

In March we will be there to meet up with some family friends. That will be the time to wrap up the last of the items to be moved and some furniture to be donated. It will be a warmer time – to go down and visit the river, sit out and make a fire – to give a proper goodbye and close that chapter.

Remembering Grandmother

My mothers’ mother owned a cedar blanket chest that ended up at my house. My grandmother was born in Tennessee but after marriage started moving southward, such as Arkansas and eventually settled for most of her life in Louisiana (where she raised her family).

It’s been kicking around here for about 10 years and no other relative wanted it. I think it was probably built in the 1930’s or 40’s and doesn’t hold a lot of historical or intrinsic antique value. It’s an awkward size. Not big enough to be a coffee table, not high enough to be an end table, and it doesn’t have enough historical value to keep it as a treasured family heirloom. My mother, in a fit of pique, put car wax across the lid which never really worked.

grandmotherscedarchest2

I suspect that the chest is made from the Eastern Red Cedar, a tree that grows in the areas where she lived and is a quick growing evergreen that is quite common. This tree should not be confused with the Juniper, even though they have common looking similarities both inside and out. This is where a magical reference or use of Juniper may or may not be applicable to the Cedar.

Both trees can often be found in cemeteries, probably due to it’s growing hardiness, it’s evergreen foliage, and the inner red heartwood. It’s aroma makes the wood repellant to insects so was often used for blanket and linen storage (like this chest). For use, it’s associated with cleansing, healing and purification and is often used in smudging, especially for those that have been ill.

Some time around Thanksgiving I had the idea to have Grenwinae take it apart and build boxes from it. I would give one to my daughter, and if any of my family wanted one, I could have one made for them too. My sister asked for a small box.

I think this is quite fitting as my grandfather, her husband, was a carpenter. Grenwinae worked the wood down using his grandfathers’ table saw, gifted to him by his father.

The cedar smell had become old and musty. Pretty overpowering and kinda disgusting. Luckily, using Coconut Oil removed the musty smell that was so obnoxious and made the wood glow.

I asked Grenwinae to build me a box large enough to hold my Turkey Vulture feathers (or Tarot decks) and Essential Oils.  We haven’t put on any hardware yet so I’m looking for some nice latches, hinges and carry handles for the sides as the box is quite heavy, as the wood was very thick. I am thinking I may also give the exterior a bit of a darkening stain.

Here is the project right now…

cedarbox1

cedarbox2

ghosts

Thursday I did a meditation. I chose my Fluorite stone that I had take on my trip to Vancouver and a piece of antler that I recently bought for another art project.  The antler I picked up because I felt like I needed deer’s gentleness, compassion and love.

Let me write, if you are new to stones (like me) and don’t have a lot of experience doing energy work (like me), I highly recommend trying out a piece of fluorite. It’s an easy stone to play around with, immensely affordable, often found in different shades of purple/green, has a very nice iridescence when light is reflected through it, and comes in many different forms such as tumbled, points, and carved into shapes (i.e. Buddha, animals etc…).  In my experience it is very responsive.

Fluorite works well with other stones, and is supposed to help manage your emotions and clarify/focus your thoughts.

fluoriteandantler

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I’ve been having trouble with my meditation. Too much monkey mind. Too much thinking and rabbit jumping to a million thoughts. Eventually, things settled down.

I’m to let go of it ALL. The stuff that happened last week is from the past and deals with other people’s issues in not letting go themselves (something they need to decide for themselves), and not choosing to live in the present.

I have no ability to heal their pain. They have to own it themselves (much of it, not even dealing with me at all) and take responsibility. As a friend – as a sister – I cannot bring them healing or enlightenment.

I’m in a place where I have let go of a lot of baggage. I am ready to live in the present, and deer gave me permission that I DESERVE IT. I deserve being able to live my life the way I want, unburdened by others’ guilt or expectations.

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We left for Missouri Friday night and on the drive, in the dark, I saw a deer on the left shoulder, staring at me, HUGE ears. Grenwinae did not see it.

Further confirmation of the message.

tension

Yesterday, I went to the doctor for a physical. I’m finally trying to get settled with a regular doctor and find out why I go through these random days of tiredness.

When I arrived, after driving through ice and snow in a car that needs new brakes, my blood pressure was 148 over 95. That is high and unusual for me. At the end of the appointment, I was down to 126 over 78 (my more normal range).

I wasn’t even aware of how my body had high blood pressure. I actually felt okay with being there and driving is always a hassle. However, leaving I gave some thought to how much I am not in tune with small things that are causing wear and tear upon me.

Scary.

Here is a chart for blood pressure readings.

Speaking of Cabbages

If you take a stand (on anything) be prepared to be grabbed by the rioting crowd, stuck in a pillory and have rotten cabbages thrown at you. This is because there is a pack mentality to the world. There is a disavowal of personal responsibility that, in the last decade, has only worsened.

When someone shows you an ugly truth about yourself, deflect and throw a cabbage. Best tactic ever! The one that throws the most cabbages wins!

Really?

I try to keep myself out of drama but drama sticks to me like chewing gum to the cat. I puzzled over that dilemma for years until I realized that I am a person who takes stands. I take them more quietly than I used too but I still take a stand.

I took a stand at work and you can see from the blog all the resulting drama from that.

I have taken a stand against my brother. He hurt my feelings by some rude behavior. Since he was 17 (and he is now approaching 50), he has used the threat of his anger as emotional blackmail against everyone he knows. I simply will no longer participate in allowing him to get away with his selfish, egotistical behavior. At this point in the argument I probably have cut off another family member because of me taking a stand.

A long term girlfriend who abandoned me for two years now wants to know it was really me who abandoned her. It was really her life in shambles, not mine. I was the selfish one because I never recognized her pain, the pain she never told me about in those phone calls she never returned. Once again, I have taken a stand for truth, and once again, I am getting a stinking, rotten cabbage thrown in my face.

When I taught riding lessons, I saw again and again how students would refuse to face the truth and thus their riding didn’t improve. Don’t face the truth, don’t face your fears, don’t go into the sulphurous depths of the Minotaur’s labyrinth to face the monster and you will be the monster.

It’s called an apology for your behavior and if I don’t get one,  you can travel your path, and I will travel my own. The line in the sand is drawn and rubber has met road.

Self delusion? I gave that up as a lifestyle coping mechanism about three decades ago.