Monthly Archives: May 2014

Owl gives support

About two days ago I had the thought: Well I guess Owl wasn’t a permanent Animal Spirit Guide. I haven’t connected to Owl since we came from Missouri and maybe I was deluding myself on that connection even though I had felt a deep kindred at the time. Maybe Owl just showed up to kick my ass a bit. Maybe I was puffing myself up with some mysterious and powerful Owl Magick instead of accepting that I was just ordinary.

Tonight at the barn while I was saddling up Zara, I heard Owl. I stopped and waited. It was about an hour before dusk and that is when I’ve found Owl to be the most busy for me. It came again, and than once or twice more.

Owl has a habit of doing this. Whenever I’m in doubt, Owl just shows up – like he did at work not once but twice.

I didn’t feel any especial message but I do know that this weekend, things around me are in major flux. Maybe Owl was just reminding me that I am more than I seem – that I can keep my Owl council – or maybe that Owl is consistently disliked by others due to Owl-sense.

Whatever the message was we shall see. Tuesday will be interesting in a non-good way.

Advertisements

Dogs and Cats, living together

A situation happened at work and I had to leave for an appointment so it didn’t get resolved. On the way to the appointment, I looked up and saw a large black bird flying high on my left. I rolled down my window to get a good look and it had vanished – no where in sight.

Today, Crows everywhere.

At the barn, a crow and a hawk flew side by side (not chasing each other, which would be typical as they are enemies).

Okay.

Crow is not my Spirit Guide but since Crow is linked to Owls and Hawks as an adversary it pays to know about them in addition to my own Guides. Crow seems to be a symbol of change so perhaps Crow and Hawk flying peacefully together was a sign that all would be okay.

I have made the decision to give notice at my work on Tuesday. It was something I’ve been thinking of for the last month and it just needs to happen.

UPDATE – well I didn’t quit. It was a very weird workday as my boss was actually friendly to me. I’m pretty sure that the matter I was concerned about turned out to be her error and thus her friendliness.

Thinking about the unusual pairing of a crow and a hawk, I think it was natural enemies getting along despite their differences.

rabbit energy

Rabbit energy is fits and starts.

I prefer that that to the long grind. I don’t do well on the long journeys of pulling a cart up the neverending hill. I need to call on Horse energy/endurance/patience for that purpose.

The good news is that I am seeing some benefit from the CPAP machine. Apparently breathing through the night during your entire sleep cycle improves your daytime brain function. Who knew?

After being rabbit frozen/paralyzed for a few weeks, I’m moving forward on my business. We put together some more items last night that has gotten me excited again. Rabbit fertility means ideas popping forth everywhere. Bursting with creative ideas is again a return to Self.

Working with my Horse is also continuing. I’m becoming more and more confident and entering my pre-world-collapse zone of self-sufficiency. This must indeed happen in order for me to Own myself again.

Tonight is rabbit on the front lawn, fireflies, June bugs and barn swallows dodging through the evening dusk.

a step in the right direction

I have ridden my horse twice over the last week. This is huge. I won’t go into all the reasons why and it wasn’t that much of a ride, but I did more than I have ever done in the saddle with this particular horse.

I stayed on longer than I have had to date. We walked about without someone having a hand on my thigh to give me encouragement. I also got irritated at her instead of being afraid which is even better! (that reads strange but trust me that is good – it means I’m taking back my position as the one making decisions instead of letting the horse babysit me).

I must be back with my horses if I’m going to regain any thing of myself. Right now there is a growing concern that regaining that Self IS the top priority!

Today is my Freedom Friday as I get it off from work. One of the few huge benefits of this job is having my Fridays off. Generally, I need it to recover from the Monday through Thursday daily insult grind. Today though I feel good enough to actually do something.

This weekend I will be totally alone for 24 hours. No husband and no kids. Probably the first time in a year. I’m way looking forward to the peace and quiet, with no obligations and cell phone off!

Tonight is the last night of the full moon so although, being in suburbia, I can’t howl under it, I think I’ll find something to do. Probably go and commune with Rabbit.

Rabbit money

At the barn Saturday and I almost stepped on a rabbit! There is a rabbit that hangs around there (after all there are huge fields about) and I sometimes see him around the area of the barn where my horses are kept.

I had the impression again that energy had moved. We had three groups that owed us money and on Monday we received two of them.

While I love Rabbit, I really don’t like what I’ve called “rabbit money” – money that we receive in fits and starts. For example, my new job pays ONCE a MONTH. This is a real pain in the ass as I’ve always used my checks to fit around Grenwinaes larger ones (which pay house, utilities etc…).

Unfortunately, I see Rabbit Money being our trial and tribulation for the next two years until a certain something gets off our “books.”

I guess it’s best to have money multiply and not troubles.

Dealing with the Dead

I’ve ended up following several blogs that deal with death. I am not sure how all that came about but it seems that the folks who are doing this type of work strike the closest chord to what I think about things (not necessarily doing).

No insult to the other bloggers I follow. I find something interesting in all of them. However, I am not interested in discussing polytheism or debating about people being wrong on the internet, or what someone else thinks I should label myself. That’s one of the benefits of being 50 – I simply don’t care: emotionally, spiritually, or physically.

It’s a Crone thing which I will write about another day.

Grenwinae found a dead rabbit in the backyard. Most likely it was killed by our younger Corgi as she is a hunter (and somehow killed two squirrels and laid them side by side in the middle of the yard even though the squirrels travel on a 8 foot high privacy fence to the back trees).

He also buried it for me and I knew this was wrong.

It was wrong because I am not willing to face death. I am not willing to do the deed of “dressing the dead” and I’ve dug my heels in about it – eyes shut going NO NO NO!

Even though certain Animal Guides are telling me I have some personal learning to do here.  Even though Animal Guides are offering a Rite of Passage.

Even when my Animal Guide shows up dead in my yard.

I will have to spend this weekend facing what I didn’t do. It’s not a matter of “appeasing” some sort of Godly Aspect. I was offered a chance to learn and I refused it. I refused a gift and the lack is only going to mean I won’t move onward until I face that.

What does this tell me? because even when you don’t follow THE REALLY BIG HINT TO DO SOMETHING!!! there is a lesson in it:

1.) I let Grenwinae take on a lot of the dirty work around here and in my life;

2.) I don’t want to get my hands dirty (see above);

3.) The corruption of the physical body really disturbs me and I use that as the shield to prevent myself from carrying through to the other side of the Understanding that IM BEING TOLD ABOUT TO DO!!

4.) Deep down – oh so deep – I do not want to think about death.

It is no surprise to Grenwinae I have issues with death. I was about 10 when my dad had his first heart attack. I watched him die at home on the floor of his bedroom of cardiac arrest when I was  21. So yeah, death and me – not really on speaking terms.

Yet, I have burned Owl in a bonfire. I have dressed the dead Hawks and released them back to Spirit. And I have burned the corrupted corpse of Vulture.

I cried, I learned, I went through the Labyrinth and returned from the Underworld. But I didn’t like it one bit. And now Rabbit? Soft, furry Rabbit that has been speaking to me in my front yard these past six months?

A very hard pill to swallow.

breathing

Right now I’m going through another cycle of being extremely tired. I got my CPAP machine after my sleep study and it has been nothing but a big pain in the ass. Most times I feel like it’s smothering me rather than helping me to breathe. I’ve had to go back three times to try to figure this stupid thing out but I think I’ve finally got it together so HOPEFULLY, this week, I’ll start to see improvement.

The upshot is that I am mentally exhausted because I’m not getting a sound enough sleep. It seems that every 10th breath I stop breathing. This sounds alarming; what is more alarming is this is considered “mild” sleep apnea!

Daughter was sick earlier this week and I think I caught a bit of that too as it gave me a lightheaded, spacey, drifty feeling for a few days running.

The new job is proving to be difficult. I don’t really want to stay but there is financial need.

Combine all that and I just want to crawl into bed and fall asleep reading a good book.

Live is sometimes not tidy.

Eight of Swords

I feel worn thin. I knew this month would be tough and it has barely begun.

Returning to Oklahoma, we’ve returned to the old patterns of being and this lessens my belief in future change. The feeling of being trapped has intensified.

There is nothing can be done to change the reality. But endure and try to find a bit of hope again.