I’ve been planning on posting a bit of about my stage as a Crone. I guess technically I may be jumping ahead of myself as I’m only 50. I still have two kids at home – one in college, one in high school, but in the last two years, especially as I’ve returned to work, I’ve come to really understand that my perspective has dramatically shifted.
I think the biggest change I’ve noticed is I simply don’t care. I don’t care about people’s drama. I don’t care about people’s problems. I don’t care what other people think.
I do a good job. I think I’m pretty smart, talented and experienced. I give my effort to my employer, but I am no longer interested in getting pulled in and under by other people’s expectations or desires.
This is a strange apathy from someone who used to care too much about things. I at first wondered if it was due to depression or other issues in my life until I realized one day: all this crap I’ve seen before and I know exactly how it’s going to play out. It’s like opening up a so-so book that you know the ending too – not enough good parts to bother reading again. Time to trade it in.
Before I write further, I want to state this is nothing about dissing young people. They have their own strengths and talents – fire, ambition, drive, and even naiveté can be empowering. However, the strength of the young is not mine anymore; age gives me other powers to draw upon. I now have 5 decades I can look back upon and go “oh I see how that all worked out” – there are passages of time that provide a deeper understanding of life’s stages that you simply don’t have without accumulating life on this earth.
For example, all the pagan community drama about labels? Don’t give a rat’s ass about. The commotion about how “we” should come out as a community? You don’t know my life; I don’t know yours; personal decision which is none of the overall “communities” business to decide. Is there one god, many gods, how do I worship my gods, you telling me how to do so….? Again, tempest in a teapot because spirituality is a personal journey, I’m not going to tell you how to do your business because it’s none of mine.
All the drama of my last job (the one I walked out of) was a replay of working for other bosses who didn’t have money to fund their business and blamed hardworking employees as the “problem.” I realized I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to wait around until bankruptcy was filed or my paycheck bounced.
My age-apathy makes me a bit impatient with certain people and things. I simply don’t have time to listen to bullshit anymore. I probably have about a good 30, active, years left and I ain’t going to waste it upon listening to your baloney (so the person who called me yesterday and told me I didn’t care about her pet and hanging up on me because we wouldn’t prescribe an unseen client a new drug over the phone — well too bad, sorry that your a jackass, perhaps you will figure your life out given enough time).
It also has given me the freedom, for the first time in my life, not to get personally involved with my job. Since this job has its difficulties, it is best not to get invested. I have other plans for my life and this is a means to an end – pay off bills, sock money away for my personal goals, and get my kids through college.
Yes, it’s a strange place to be. I don’t want to be apathetic, but it’s time to put my emotional efforts into things that matter to me – not to the drama of the moment.
It’s probably one reason I am strongly drawn to animals. They don’t play games. It is what it is. I like that. Or as they say in elementary school: you get what you get, and don’t throw a fit.