My Heart full of Horses (part one)

The more important something is in your life the harder it is to explain. I’ve wondered about what to write about unfolding events but it deals with horses, and this isn’t my horse blog.

Yes, there is a horse blog but I haven’t posted in it for a long time. The reason for my silence is tied up in the reason why I’m posting about it here and now: I felt like I had written and done all I wanted to do for public consumption when it came to horses. 

Some of these reasons are hard ones for non-horse people to understand. The horse community as a whole is a condemning, judgmental lot where no one is to admit fear or doubt. I’ve never “fitted in” to this world and I’ve learned (Crone-Wisdom) not to care anymore that I don’t.

I also share little with horse people who are wrapped up in using the horse as a reflection of their ego, prowess or need for love. I am not interested in sharing time (as I was forced too when teaching riding lessons) with middle aged women of low self esteem have finally bought a first horse to serve as Love-Vending-Machine yet discover they now own a 1,000 pound animal which can live up to 30 years and can casually break their neck (and doesn’t equate love with putting up with your shit).

Okay, so I am getting sidetracked but some of this you must need to know to follow the story. Stick with me…

For the last few years I’ve been flirting with the idea of getting out of horses completely. This started when my favorite horse died and intensified when I realized Zara was going to be “different.”

I did buy Zara shortly after my horses’ death (stupid move) and my intention was to go a different direction – start a horse from scratch which I have never done (mostly I’ve worked on re-training horses already started). I thought this would give me a renewed interest.

These plans for Zara got stymied as she proved to be quite a difficult horse. My plans were to use alternative (as opposed to traditional) methods to train her and see what would happen. What happened was I had an extremely dominant and potentially aggressive horse whose mother was the same way (there is definitely a genetic link in personalities).

For the first few years I sincerely doubted she would make a riding horse as she was so resistant to being asked anything. As time passed I kept working with her and we made some progress. I sent her off to another trainer for 90 days of her first under-saddle work as I wasn’t interested in breaking my own neck.

Again, to non-horse people I will explain a bit. Having a horse come back with 90 days, under saddle just produces a ‘green’ horse. These horses are not considered finished or ready for much; they are still very reactive and inexperienced with riding and living a life in a “people house.” A big mistake many make is kicking these horses back out to pasture because life gets in the way, or the owner doesn’t have enough experience to continue the riding.

I didn’t have time to ride and didn’t like the place where we were boarding, but I knew she needed to continue in her training. Thus I hired a rider to work her under my supervision. I persevered, but my motivation was low.

About this time, my life went into major flux. My marriage was under pressure, our finances were broken, and my husband needed to change jobs. By the time Zara returned from the trainer, Grenwinae had moved to Missouri. I needed to remain in Oklahoma another year as our son was finishing his senior year of high school. The problem of Zara went to the back burner.

I thought when we were in Missouri, living on the same property with the horses, would mean I would have a lot of time. The opposite happened as I went back to work and the drive home meant often it was dark when I did get home.

Now we are back in Oklahoma and the excuses have to end. I made a promise (I said the same thing last summer) that if I didn’t get to riding Zara this summer, she would have to be sold.


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