Monthly Archives: July 2014

transformation

Dream this morning… as a human I looked over a large lake and know I need to go to the other side. I know I can’t cross and a voice tells me I need to change to make the journey. I change into a large hawk and find myself flying over the water, my wing tips feeling the wind.

This was one of those significant dreams as I woke up with it sharp in my mind along with the “voice” which is always telling. The date of my upcoming birthday was also predominant in the dream.

It’s a much better dream than the one a few days ago where I was a participant of the Dinosaur Reality show: humans stuck in a home and dinosaurs let loose to see who they would eat.

 

completion

Friday night we went to Missouri to empty the last of the storage unit. All went well but the 24 hour trip has left us rather tired. We have one last obligation to Missouri – payment of a medical bill and due to its amount, will probably end sometime in December.

Life is easing away from the old, and drifting into still forming, new patterns.

 

5 card layout using the Druid Animal Oracle cards

Yesterday, I drew out my Oracle cards and with nothing in particular to ask, just told them to provide me with what I needed at this moment. This was done on the same day I had received a package from Michelle so she will understand why some of these cards were significant to have been pulled on the day that box arrived.

5_card_tarot_oracle_layoutDO

 

1. Fox (self) – Diplomacy and the art of knowing when to speak and when to observe. She’s the animal of smooth and silver tongue, the trickster, and wily. Swiftness with the ability to work around tricky situations. Adaptable even when things have gone wrong. Earth card.

The center of the situation is that after what happened last week, it’s obvious to me that I need to adapt, move on and work around what obstacles this latest event (job loss) will mean. I have the ability to do so and had already decided to take the high road on this (for example, I could apply for unemployment but I have decided not to do so).

2. Raven (east/intellectual) – Initiation – the death of one thing with the birth of another. Protection, the gift of prophecy, and healing. Cunning and intelligence. A creature that flies between the worlds. An audaciousness that usually wins the day. Air card. The east is an area of new growth and beginnings.

#2 card is seated in the reasoning/intellectual area (suggested by the Druid Oracle Layout) so yes, I intellectually understand the death and re-birth cycle and that is was time to go. Intellectually, I can manifest what I need to get what I want done.

Once again, I’m moving through an evolution. This card is in the east location and I take it as a positive affirmation that the time had come to move on and with it, shedding the old and passing through to another experience. With both the Fox and Raven, I feel that I have strong abilities/allies to make it through to where I need to be.

3. Cat (south/sensual) – Patience. Taking the time to judge matters in my own way. Timing is everything. Awareness of the spirit world coupled with sensuality. Independence. The balance of light and dark. Healing from the inside-out. Agility, Flexibility, Curiosity. Earth card. The South location can be about creativity and energy.

Overall, once I recover from the shock/quickness of events, I feel that my natural ego will re-assert itself; I do not feel overall damaged by my former bosses’ opinions of me. I know who I am. I need to understand and appreciate the timing of recent past events but also the patience in waiting for desired, future outcomes. Things will not happen right away – I need to know when to spring for the mouse; take the waiting in stride and do it with relaxed grace.

4. Stag (west/emotional) – Majesty and Grace, Strength and Independence. A card for strength and power/protection especially when feeling vulnerable. Earth card. The west can be the location for endings (setting sun) but also our emotional world.

I do feel a bit vulnerable and I think I need to feel that. I need to let the tears happen as it’s part of the healing process. I can’t be afraid of that and having Stag as my guardian here will help me feel protected. Stag, like cat, can be about a majestic independence of spirit and personality.

5. Salmon (north/ – The Oldest Animal, return to our childhood/beginnings for wisdom. Water card. The North is for home so this is very apt.

I had already decided that I needed to self-nurture. I need to return to myself – seek my inner counsel and swim back into waters of very long ago to achieve the sense of home I need. I need to go a long ways back to regain what has been lost on this wayward journey.

Stag and Cat showed up in April 2014 for the card regarding our return to Oklahoma. Fox and Stag when I quit my job previous to this last. Salmon has showed up many times and seems related to our return also.

 

Convergence

What lovely words: Convergence and Congruent. Say them out loud and feel an orgasm on your tongue.

Carl Rogers uses the term incongruence as the difference between the Ideal/Real Self and your Actualized Self. Here I shall use the word Congruent – as to mean the alignment of our Actualized Self to the Inner Self. As those two spheres align, one into the other, the more we come to peace, understanding, compassion and alignment.

For the last two years I have not allowed my two Selfs to be congruent. The Spheres have spun wider and wider away from each other and this has caused a disconnect within myself that manifested outwardly. Because I have been genetically bred to endure pain and suffering, and raised in a family where myself and my brother have taken the Protestant Work Ethic (just take out the God part as I was raised by atheists) to the nth degree, I have been good at denying when things are wrong and just powering through.

This year I’ve lost that ability. The planets broke their orbit and a crash was the result.

I started toying with the idea of death. Death didn’t seem that bad after all. At least I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. My obligation to duty though never allowed me to take it further then idle speculation.

I just couldn’t sleep. And when I slept, I woke up and didn’t feel rested.

I was able to suspend myself away from troubling interactions with people. I felt nothing because I knew if I did it would be too dangerous. I turned off any need to care.

My dyslexia which is pretty mild, worsened. I sometimes substitute words that aren’t appropriate but have similar sound: like the work fill for feel.

When my emotions did burst, they were wild and hysterical. These storms would pass over and I would clamp down even harder on the lid of Pandora’s box.

I’ve gotten myself into plenty of trouble before by allowing this state of affairs, but I was younger, stronger and had more dumb endurance, with a stronger sense of survival.  The last three months have been horrible because the only way to stop this state of affairs was to quit a job I hated which provided money I needed.

It’s all nice and romantic to say you won’t do this because you are better than that and you will live your dream. But anyone who has gone to bed hungry, had a loved one in need of costly medical care, or has to pay for the shelter over your head, knows you will do what you have to do.

And that is what I’ve been doing – doing what I needed to do. However, it has taken a heavy price and now I am picking up the bits and pieces, needing to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

I haven’t broken myself beyond repair, but I feel like I’ve come pretty damn close.

Over and done with

makeme

The job is over. Goddamn. Praise the Lord!

I hated that job with the heat of a thousand suns so if my boss has ever found this blog (doubtful), let me tell you that you did me a huge favor. I’ve decided a momentous thing – I will no longer work for anyone but myself. It’s one of the few “luxuries” offered to me being married with a spouse with a  secured income. Going back to self-employment will allow me to rest and recover, something that is sorely needed after the last two years.

threereasonstochange

1.) At my age (50) working for a career in a traditional business environment isn’t going to happen. My skills are too outdated and my degree in (journalism) is in a dying field.

2.) I am tired of being offered low, substandard BORING jobs that I simply do not engage my heart, let alone my mind. And lets not forget working for assholes. As I told Grenwinae – it’s like going to prison. Anyone stuck in a job that doesn’t engage them to the fullest is just biding time, making tic marks on the wall.

3.) I did a crap job for her and I can understand why she did what she did. Between my health spiral downwards, not caring and working for a bit of a bitch, I didn’t have the motivation or interest to improve.

4.) There is only so much you can do against your own nature, before your own nature will sabotage you (more on that later).

Yeah the budget will be tight but I’ve done my time – and I’M FREEEEEE!!!

Right now I need to focus on my health. I’m not terminal or chronic but I do have issues (that contributed to my crap work) that need to be resolved. I need to lose weight, get my strength back, and get enough sleep I can think straight.

health

*~*~*~*~*

On the way to the barn Saturday we had to take a detour. Down a country road, a large bird flew across the road (left to right), and I slowed down. Because of the position of the sun I wasn’t sure if it was a Vulture or a Hawk. While I wondered about this he had circled the vehicle (clockwise) and came across, in front again, quite close.

This is who I am Dummy.

Okay thanks Hawk. It was a show of support – a dose of strength, sorely needed.

Today, I was thinking of how bad things happen to good people, bad things that later become a good thing, and how even if you have friends in high places, that doesn’t negate suffering. Suffering the Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Fortune is what life is about. As I thought this a Hawk flew across in front of me:

Damn straight.

 

Hawk is left out

Being sick these last two weeks meant that the housework got piled up. Our bedroom was far more messier than I liked and the area where I do my work was not in proper order at all.

Friday I spent some time cleaning and putting together my meditation (or altar if you prefer) space. I placed my new Vulture-Griffin statue in the honor, central position on top of the cedar box made from my grandmothers’ blanket chest.

I have a small pocket totem for Rabbit, another Griffin, and a stone Owl, as well as a pendant with an Owl face. Only a photo of a Hawk.

Once again I realized I didn’t have a serious representation of Hawk. Honestly, I have been looking and have found nothing that really suits. That evening, on the way home from the barn, the only animal I saw was a hawk, his back to me.

Yeah, I understand, you are in a Huff. And I’m trying, really trying to find something that is fitting for you. It might end up having to be wall art instead of sculpture as I have found plenty of photos or paintings. I’m still looking, I promise I haven’t forgotten!

Orange for the Sun, Cedar for the Dead

cedar_orange_peels2

This weekend I’m trying to get caught up on many small projects. One of those was starting my Rosemary and Mugwort Tinctures. I’ve posted about that that at the Cinnabarys blog as it will become part of a product offering.

I also cleaned my Vulture feathers and have hung them up to air dry. I was afraid to open the package, because the corpse I had found was pretty buggy – but the freezing ritual seemed to have taken care of that.

I mixed chopped cedar and cedar berries (from our own tree) with orange peel and boiled them in water for about 30 minutes. This I strained, dipped my feathers and let them air dry under the noon day sun.

Tonight, each will be smudged in Frankincense and wiped with my Vultures Tears Anointing Oil.

I will pick out a few and send them on to those I promised, probably Monday. The rest will be set back for my own private work.

Retrograde wraps up

Thank goodness for Mercury Retrograde being over. We were only mildly effected, more like minor irritations. I ended up getting a fever and cough, with the cough lasting longer and requiring a trip to the doctor for prescription strength cough syrup so I could sleep. As it was my ribs are still bruised from coughing too hard and I’m still recovering.

Little things at work went wrong – the scanner/printer shutting itself off when we were awaiting a fax; the computer email being delayed in transmitting; and today just trying to replace lightbulb in the chandelier seemed a chance to burn the house down!

Someone near Grenwinaes’ desk at work was talking to a friend over the phone about how nothing was working right last week. She said “the planets must be aligned wrong!” and of course she wasn’t far off there 🙂

Someone also told Grenwinae that the gnats that had invaded the office wasn’t bothering him probably because of the “nuts at his desk” (these are the acorns that he keeps on his desk that confuses everyone as to their purpose!). LOL!

The good news is that Grenwinae got a raise during his review which took place during Mercury Retrograde. This is a significant pay increase and bodes well for his future at this job; it also puts us closer to being at the salary he had in Missouri so hopefully by next June he will be back to his original annual salary. (fingers crossed).