Monthly Archives: August 2014

Blue Jay tells me not to get distracted!

Photo by Ken Thomas

I am in a limbo. I need to wait for a lot of events to happen and these events won’t be solved for years. Discouraging to say the least but we are ants moving one grain of sand at a time.  I’ve used this as an excuse not to do stuff, including getting out to nature. I think this is a bit of the sullen part of me – kinda like a finger to life’s circumstances which has brought me back to Tulsa and to a house I don’t want to live in.

I decided I had been moping too much and sat under a Cottonwood tree, waiting for Grenwinae to get off his bus commute. I wasn’t there long but got the clear message that I needed to stop playing the victim card and start doing what I can do.

Grenwinae walked over to greet me and found a Blue Jay feather next to where I sat. Affirmation.


Blue Jay is a member of the Corvidae family which also includes Ravens, Jays and Mockingbirds. They can be just as intelligent and mischievous as their cousins. When we lived in Missouri, we had a flock (over 16 counted) of Blue Jays that hung around the property; I’ve never seen them before since in such numbers. It seems that they do migrate so I’m guessing they were spring arrivals and hadn’t quite dispersed yet to build nests and raise families.

The Blue Jay’s coloring mimics the heavens, and with his crest of feathers is often connected with spiritual work. But he also is seen as a bit of a dilettante – jack of all trades, master of none – moving off to grab another pretty, and dropping the first. He’s a reminder to keep my goals on track and keep my energy focused (something I have not been doing since July).

My father always found and kept Blue Jay feathers in his hat. That little feather of blue and black with a white tip also serves as reminder of him.



When I got home I decided that one simple thing I could do to work towards my ultimate goal (sell this house, massively downsize and live in the country) was to go through our books and start making a wishlist on Amazon to get them moved onto Kindle.

I never thought I would move to digital books – I love reading a “real” book – but after having my tablet for more than a year the convenience and simplicity to see all my books, pick one I want and start reading has been seductive.

The reality is we probably have a 1,000 books and they are a pain to physically move and the next house will not have the space to store or display them. I generally give myself a $25 budget each paycheck to start transferring books – always looking for specials.

Cleaning through the books is giving me the feeling I am making progress – and as a person who is action oriented this really helps my emotional self, which in turn powers me to get other things done too.

BTW you can check out my Cinnabarys Amazon profile here.


so you want a pagan community….

Why is it that whenever I read the demand that WE as a “pagan community” wants/need ABC, the idea is being promoted by someone who has done absolutely nothing in founding a pagan community?

Why is it that I hear of ME WANT and very little of WE WANT in these cries?

If you want a pagan community let me recommend some basic 101 steps:

1.) join or start a local pagan community meet up group. None of the people who have posted that WE (who is this we they are writing about?) NEED A PAGAN COMMUNITY!!!! has ever posted that they meet locally with a pagan social group.

Until you show up (or start one yourself) a pagan meet up, I have zero faith in you managing a community that is more then one person. You have no idea of how groups behave, how to form one, how to facilitate one, or how to lead. You are listening to the voices in your head – and those voices are not a WE no matter what they tell you.

Online pagan communities are completely different than one that meets in person. Until you can meet in person, physical goals such as buying land, building temples, or even have a damn hotdog cookout isn’t going to happen!

2.) stop telling the community what YOU want and listen to what a COMMUNITY WANTS. I have read a lot of fantasy posts about what the community needs as perceived by ONE person. Puhlease! You do not speak for me. You do not speak for anyone but yourself and your own selfish needs – go back and read NO. 1 in this 101 series!

Again, none of these “we need a pagan community” folks have stated that a group of people meeting in person have made a decision that they have found a need to be fulfilled. You are spouting nonsense!

Well, I might lose a few readers here but truly folks GET A CLUE!

1.) form a group

2.) have the group, after problem solving, team building, and growth development, form ONE GOAL based on group consensus.

3.) achieve ONE GOAL as a GROUP. Wash and repeat.

Until you do the above, please don’t gnash your teeth and pull out hair, mourning that the PAGAN COMMUNITY needs anything!

mourning the loss of passion

The pony is doing very well. From two weeks ago when I thought I would be euthanizing her, she is almost back to walking normally. She is retired, approaching her thirties, and could easily live up to 40 or 50. I feel very relieved.

Sunday, my retired Thoroughbred came back to me. His retirement home was sold and he needed to be moved and hence his return. He is now in his mid twenties and seems to be holding his own, although I did notice his melanomas have gotten larger and this will probably be what will kill him in the end.

I had hoped that we would be on our property by this time – with my horses at home. Unfortunately, despite the brief time in Missouri, we are back in the suburbs, living where I do not want to live, in a house that needs a lot of work, without the money to get it sell-ready until that money becomes available (December 2015).

I no longer have the passion about horses that I once had. It was burned out of me when my favorite horse had a long illness that ended in death. I miss it like an amputated arm. I mourn it but have no idea on how to re-spark it.

I have not ridden regularly in a long time and without that, and dealing only with stable-keeping issues of finding shelter, pasture, and buying food and medicine, horse care has become boring and monotonous.

I had hoped that this passion would return. Instead, I am met with sadness, regret and grief at every turn.

Again, Couples Retreat

Back in May, 2013 we had planned on going on a couples retreat (some planning posts are here and here). The trip didn’t happen because after scheduling the cabin, a couple of months later Grenwinae’s job blew out and we decided to move back to Oklahoma.

We’ve rescheduled the cabin for a September weekend and planning has to start all over again:

Dates: Sept 18th to 22nd (Thursday to Monday)
Monday, Sept. 22, is the Autumn Equinox
Waning Crescent, Tuesday is the New Moon

Location: Isolated remote cabin rental on 20 acres of land, includes private river access. About 2 hours away.

Practical matters: Kids will care for the home, but I need someone to feed horses (landowner). I also need to make sure teen daughter wakes up and gets to the bus on Friday and Monday. A big problem is that payday is Friday when we are gone – plans need to be made on how certain bills will be paid/kids have a stocked kitchen.


  • Grenwinae’s Journal and Athena’s  Journal, pencils, extra paper, markers and/or craft paper
  • Athena’s backpack, Whistles (2), Binoculars (2), Tree and Bird ID books, GPS or compass
  • Flashlights (2) with spare batteries, camera with batteries and charging cord
  • Basic first aid kit with medicines (Aleve, Zyrtec, bandaids, tweezers, nail clippers)
  • Water clothes and shoes.
  • Star locator software (Grenwinaes phone).
  • Massage oil, body paint/crayons, Tantra books
  • Archery equipment?
  • MP3 player and player
  • Ground cloth/blanket and Yoga Mats, Sleeping bags/air mattress?
  • Plant clippers and/or knife.
  • Tarot cards, bells, whistles, music makers, sage and lavender bundles, incense and lighter, matches, salt, “cauldrons”, sand, Birdseed offering, etc..
  • Make a complete list for each ceremony so we can doublecheck. Once we get there, there is no going to the store!

This is the first vacation we have taken for I don’t know how many years. We have sometimes taken a weekend here and there but usually to take care of some sort of business (seeing family, closing the house etc…).

There will definitely be a ceremony for closing out our time in Missouri so time to reflect on what was gained when we were there will be a part of our trip. With the moon cycle, probably more of a time to let go and remove things magickally and the last day start to build towards a new intention.

I don’t want to go into too many details but we will be ending a major cycle next December and will plan a different type of trip at that time. I’ll post more details as it evolves.

all will be well

Earlier this week, I had a dream about horses. It ended with a clear message: CALL THE VET. I didn’t want too. I didn’t want to hear a death sentence, but after a day of not wanting too,  finally called and set an appointment Friday morning for her to come out.

Thursday was my birthday and I had a beautiful dream of my deceased horse, P. It was crystal clear sharp and I knew when I woke up all would be fine.

The vet was out here today and definitely thinks it is white line disease (which is really an infection that causes the white line to separate).  She went over with Grenwinae how she wants D’s hooves trimmed and thinks there will be a very good outcome.

D looked brighter and walked better than she has since this has all begun.

On the way home from the barn, passed a hawk sitting on a telephone poll overlooking his vast domain. I bid him welcome and he turned and looked at me as we passed, acknowledging my greeting.

energy diverted

For the last few weeks all my focus has been on my pony, D, who is sick. This means I don’t have a lot of energy or desire to post in the blog, do the business stuff, Pinterest or Facebook.

She’s had hoof issues for over 2 years now. And while we saw some improvement, they never returned to her pre-100%-soundness state. Now her lameness has worsened with a combination of founder-thrush-white line disease.

We’ve soaked her feet with CleanTrax to dispose of the bacterial infection. I wish I had done this when we were back in Missouri. It took almost three hours to do all four feet.


Restricted her to a very small pasture, with a little grain for ponies only to get her supplement, Hoofmax. Pure Hard Surface is the spray to use in-between.

Well this isn’t my horse blog, but the reality is she is about 30 years old pony and this could tip either way. It’s a waiting game so if I’m not responding to email or you don’t see any posts, my concern and worry is being spent elsewhere.