Monthly Archives: October 2014

Making Art Journals

Continuing with my Journal Challenge Week, I’ll be making some physical art journals using this method (composition book, Liquetex Matte Medium, Gesso) and probably edge the pages with embroidery thread and Washi Tape. I have denied myself art, beauty and reaching out to create because I was too focused on survival; along the way I almost killed off part of myself so it’s time to pull back and do some self-nurturing.

lakshmi

One journal will be about Money/Financial concerns. We have nothing into retirement – yes, it’s scary, very scary. We’ve come up with some plans on how to re-fashion our lives and most of this revolves around money, handling resources, and fostering abundance.

We will need to “think outside the box” and develop our 5-year plan. In five years: repair the house, sell the house, son graduates college, daughter enters college, etc… My goal is that in 5 years we are seeing a profit-income of $1500 per month from other resources than Grenwinaes’ job; an income that can continue from home after Grenwinae retires.

weekend_cabin_treehouse

Another journal will be about the New House. In three years the house we are living in will be up for sale, and we will do a major downsize. Our plan is to buy land and build a house (construction for less than $25,000) smaller than 1,000 square feet.

This is the hardest dream for me to actualize as I want it so bad but we have been stopped at every turn from achieving this. I need to transform thinking this is an impossible dream to really seeing/feeling that it will really happen.

As the house repairs continue, and kids move onward in their education it will become more “real” but now is for dreaming and imagining so I will use the journal to fantasize my optimum living environment.

I can think of some ideas for further art journals but I think I’m getting ahead of myself. I’ll work on these two over the weekend as it takes some time to put them together and prep them for use.

The key for me here is to engage different parts of the brain through a creative (non-logical), 3-dimesional process (other than typing on a computer). I’m hoping this can bring back some joy and revive the tired, exhausted Spirit I feel I’ve been.

Duh-moment and Hawk gives thanks

At the barn was about ready to wrap up and feeding the last horse, when looked up to observe a crow attacking a hawk (probably a Red Tail). The crow stopped attacking when the Hawk moved out of his territory; I’m always amazed at how unconcerned Hawks are when these birds dive and poke at them.

He came towards where I was standing and did a lazy, slow clockwise circle over my car. I thanked him and he flew off. I think this was in reply to me getting my meditation area cleaned up and putting my Hawk feather gift in a prominent area.

Most of my interactions with my Animal Guides is just recognition, no messages. Just a “hey, I’ve noticed you, here’s some support” and my “thanks given” energy returned.

vulture_10245_md

Okay, Duh-moment, on the way home, I realized why Vulture was so prevalent during our time in Missouri. That was the transition time when the Physical was transformed to Spirit. That is why, now, different guides are becoming more prominent.

I knew that but I didn’t know it.

Peacock is definitely wanting my attention and is rather insistent and persistent.

Eihwaz, the rune of transition

I don’t know much at all about Runes. I do know that Grenwinae was told by someone very experienced with Runes that you better be careful as it is a deep study that can really screw with your mind. However, I think I’ll be okay if I just examine one Rune and think upon it’s symbolic meaning for my journaling endeavor. 🙂

eihwaz-yew

Cauldrons and Cupcakes posted Eihwaz, the rune of transition as our Journal prompt this week. Eihawz is the 13th rune (and coincides with the 13th Tarot card which is Death). Both have the letting go, dying of something to give way, must let go of what is not needed to grow themes.

I really like the definition I found here:

EIHWAZ:  Defense, Striving
Although you are facing a trial, you are protected. The skill you most need lies in trusting that protection.  Unforeseeable power and wisdom await you if you avoid panic or precipitous overreactions. Be strong, and judiciously bold, and no harm should come to you. This is the Rune of TESTING.

The Labyrinth is a two way passage and in my case, I’ve done the death work for the transition to happen – I’m climbing out of the darkness but now I have to know how to live in the world.  Strangely enough, existing in the transition is proving to be emotionally challenging because it means taking what you learned from the Underworld (the center of the Labyrinths’ journey) and merging that knowledge into the secular world.

yoga_cat_labyrinth

The time in Missouri was the time for death and letting go — but now we have returned to our “real world” in Oklahoma and have to understand that we are not the same and life will not be the same even though it is easy to fall back into patterns and habits (being in the same home makes it too easy for this to happen).

Part of this has to not allowing life to be sucked into those old patterns and to allow new growth to happen, which is tremendously hard for me on so many levels.

1.) Holding onto old habits means existing in a safe rut. It’s the Devil You Know. I’ve become gun-shy over the last two decades waiting for the axe to fall as it has too many times with disastrous results – loss of money, financial instability, loss of job, loss of friendships, and even death in one instance.

2.) Holding onto old hurts allows me to nurse my anger and frustration – which is really about disavowing responsibility. If I grip that events out of my control hold me back, than I cannot be held responsible for not achieving what I want. It’s someone/thing else’s fault.

3.) Change in the past has often been disheartening, leading to frustrating dead ends (i.e. my last three paid jobs were dead ends for sure). It’s hard to keep putting yourself out there. The wheels have been spinning but with no progress. It’s hard to believe things will change – so the number one thing I need to do is CONVINCE MYSELF THAT CHANGE FOR THE GOOD WILL HAPPEN.

Here is my roadmap:

1.) Plan time just to have fun (1x a month) outside of town (I need to get out of Tulsa where too many old habits/energy still remains) or even just find a different place to go in Tulsa (i.e. different restaurant, store, neighborhood, art/craft festival, farmers market etc…).

This will be a challenge because of old patterns of behavior: “It’s too much trouble; let’s just stay home” mentality. Being exposed to new places though is one major key in stimulating a long term marriage. I’m not getting any younger – when am I going to have fun? When I’m dead?

2.) Plan time (1-2x a month) for road trips where we specifically go for business treasure hunts. This will be fun too – the purpose though is to go further afield than just our backyard. However, I have a ruttish problem of just driving by places because it’s too much trouble to stop.

3.) Plan a retreat/mini-vacation out of town about every 3-4 months. The last one was great – first vacation in about 5 or more years! The effects of peace have lasted longer than I thought. This is a huge priority!

4.) Make creative paper journals for A.) Finances (how are we going to make money to retire but approached in a positive way) and B.) New House. Should be a creative, planning book with lots of pictures, diagrams, fun colors, fantasy dream lists etc….

It’s a creative book – not a To-Do Goal list full of A-B-C on our finances. Also, I think putting this stuff in a 3 dimensional format will encourage the growth and change I want in my mental processes that just telling myself with self-talk is not really accomplishing at the level I want or need.

5.) Health – this weekend buy new shoes and start walking once a day for 20 minutes. Continue our nature walks on the weekends. Try to use my CPAP machine as much as I can tolerate.

6.) Immediate Environment – The mess of moving the two households back to one needs to be sorted and organized. Try to do in mini-installments; set some small goals as big ones become too overwhelming, though I got a huge amount of housework done yesterday so yay for me!

7.) House Repair – We are planning on investing 1/3rd of the Christmas bonus into making needed repairs on the house (exterior paint job, new kitchen faucet, new family room ceiling fan, molding). I’d like to work on a House Spell to take place at that time too. Need to revise our repairs list and prioritize.

NOTE: I will be doing a massive Tarot spread reading on Samhain so I’m holding off pulling cards until we get closer to that time period.

Journal Challenge

After the shadow episodes, Grenwinae volunteered to talk to his Guides to see what input they had about this. After getting his input, I decided to start this journal exercise started by Cauldrons and Cupcakes, some of which I’ll put online and some offline.

Much of this work I’ve done already. Basically, at my age I already know a lot of stuff about myself; there’s no need to be at ground zero. I am not in unhealthy relationships, horrible job (any more thank goodness!) or unhappy. I already know what I need physically: how I need to get back to exercising, eating better, and using my CPAP machine to breathe at night.

I spent this last year releasing  so much shit that even my Guides told me to STFU about it. Instead this is now a period of dreaming new growth, being creative, reaching into areas that put me back into a visual position and taking risks. Something that I have deliberately withheld doing.

I’m also growing more certain that Peacock has been sent to help me. I’ll try working with this Guide and see what happens.

deer_tracks_autumn_leaves

I did an outdoor meditation at the Nature Park on Sunday. I almost didn’t go because I was so damn tired from not breathing at night. However, we got pumped and went. Didn’t see any animals, other than birds, but we saw evidence.

From the meditation:

1.) Create and dream for now with no secular, end-product, financial reward. Creating and dreaming is important right now for it’s own sake. I’ve done way too much work because I had to do it, to survive. I’m moved past survival and basics to live….

2.) Creating stuff that doesn’t work or doesn’t sell is okay. It’s okay just to do stuff like this even if it doesn’t make money, feed me or clothe me.

3.) Set boundaries with my partner by trusting my own intuition. I need his support and encouragement but I can look into my own heart and know what is right.

4.) Allow myself to truly believe and embrace that our lives will change in the manner I want them too – given time we shall have sold this house and moved to a country location with a new, much smaller home with our animals.

Okay I will continue to blog about this week one challenge over the next few days but this is the start.

What did I need today to self-nourish? Clean up my bathroom and bedroom areas! Which I did! Tomorrow, I will tackle my meditation area and make a list of herbs that I wanted to tincture.

weird shadows

Driving out to the barn, I came up on a opossum who seemed a bit confused. He kept trotting along the road instead of crossing. I slowed the car down to protect him from being hit from behind until he made up his mind.

I think it was the wet from the rain – he just didn’t want to get into the grass. I cautioned him very strongly that being on the road was really a dangerous idea. Eventually, he found a spot and gingerly stepped back into the wet woods.

Another incident on the way out was some sort of huge black shadow that flew off to my right. It wasn’t a bird. It moved like a sheet in the wind and disappeared. …. Okay.

On the way home, I sometimes take a very scenic mile because it has a lot of pretty woods and houses I would like to live in. Again, something black and shadowy flew off from the right. I was going so slow I know it wasn’t a bird – or really anything living – just a fluttery shadow

This is the kind of weird stuff (including Crows checking me out) that I don’t really expect to have in my mundane, ordinary life. Not sure what it was all about. Not sure I will find out. Though I heard the Eclipse was supposed to make things a bit weird today.

Deer gently reminds us of the role of parent

On the way the barn on Sunday, I saw a mother deer and her offspring. The baby was probably this season but old enough to have lost spots.

They were seen in the middle of a discussion about Teen Daughter. A reminder we are still parents and she is still a child no matter what.

We are starting a daddy-daughter outing on Sundays. She communicates more with Grenwinae, and just talks to me when she wants to cry or complain. She really needs to be treated with deer’s kindness and gentleness.

A moment of beauty

A beautiful woodland hawk (most likely a Cooper) flew across my path on the way home from the barn on Saturday. No message, just beauty.

I missed seeing the deer that Grenwinae did though.

*~*~*~*~*

I have been busy with work concerns. We made two sales during the first week (yah!) which is inspiring and about the speed I want to be doing things at this time. I’ve got several mini projects sitting around to be completed or started, and some thinking I need to do about new projects.

I continue with a sense of inner well being that yes, I can do what I want and I can take it easy and let things happen/unfold in the manner they need to do so. That is so not my nature but it’s a good feeling and good place to be in.

Crow paralyzes Rabbit

I often see birds – Red Tail Hawks, yesterday I saw probably a Cooper who flew across the road (the same day I saw a Cooper in my backyard), and even an Owl during one dusk. When Grenwinae and I were discussing the plans for the new house (to be built after we sell this one in 4 years), two Turkey Vultures spiraled above us during the entire conversation.

Yet, my interactions, while profound, with Owl, Vulture and Hawk did not prepare for me this.

I noticed the black bird pretty quickly. He was up in the air, to the right and in front of my car. He was flying in a jerking manner and as I watched, he folded his wings, and dive bombed to the pavement right in front of my path. I had slowed the car to watch him so stopped it (checked and no one was behind me).

First he flew low across from right to left, crossed back left to right, and again right to left, before he landed in the middle of the road. He picked up a few little pebbles, dropped them, taking his time to pick up another one and eyeing me all the time.

He cocked his head and took me in with his gimlet eye: weighing and measuring. There was quite a bit of intelligence there and for the first time I was really struck – I mean floored. It wasn’t a crow, it was Crow.

This doesn’t sound very scary. But it was absolutely frightening. I think if I had suddenly met up with a wolf, I couldn’t have been more shocked. I was paralyzed Rabbit. My heart was pounding like crazy and my mind a complete blank.

Just though I’d look you over

Been hearing some about you.

In a few moments, a car came up behind me and I told Him we would have to continue the conversation later.

Before I could pull away, the phone buzzed me. Grenwinae had just mailed off the package to our first Etsy customer.

Coopers Hawk for the Win

Yesterday, I told you about Coopers’ Hawk appearing in our backyard. He lives in the neighborhood somewhere but I’ve only seen him in our yard about three times. It was exciting and I wish I could have gotten a photo except he likes to land on a fence that is mostly concealed between two pine trees.

Well, that evening I made my first Etsy sale! Wow!

And when I checked my computer this morning, my second Etsy sale! Double Wow!

This month and moon has been very generous to us with many animal sightings, and unexpected money in the mail twice. These are the kind of surprises I love. Yay!