Monthly Archives: November 2014

Doe, a young deer

I have several ways I get to the barn on my daily task to feed my horses. There is one stretch of road (where I saw the young Prince), that I often choose as it feeds my heart.

There are large trees at the side of the road. The houses have large lots with many trees and the buildings are set some ways back from the road. At one point you go down a hill and over a creek. There are small bluffs on the hillside.

Yeah, so it feeds that part of me that needs more than just flat grass and blue sky.

Coming back yesterday, a small young deer, a yearling doe (?) was at the road. I stopped to watch her. She was clearly nervous about my presence, so I slowly rolled the car by and gave her a greeting before easing away.

I didn’t see any of her family group so I hope she finds some to hang out with. OTOH , hunting season is starting for her kind and while she doesn’t have any antlers and isn’t really large enough to give anyone a satisfying dinner, who knows if she will tempt a drunk Redneck to send a potshot her way?

I’ve already noticed a deer trap, excuse me feeder, so the Mighty Hunters can have their adventure in the woods, set up where I saw the Mother and her baby. Let’s hope they escape the drunk Hunters gun.

(BTW I ‘ve known many experienced and responsible Hunters. I’m also not against hunting IN-SEASON and within the LAW. Unfortunately, there are too many who don’t as evidenced by my time working in a State Park – let’s talk poachers – and living across from a Federal park – let’s talk hunting out of season).

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Caring for self

Hm that last post (Pink) made me very uncomfortable. I generally don’t like sharing such personal feelings, however, I need to power through and continue.

In the midst of all this Hawk visitation, I think yesterdays message was more about being quick and flexible. The Coopers Hawk that went through the backyard, sailed through like a jet fighter – he glided through at top speed and smoothly angled over the fence, all without beating a wing.

Coopers Hawk is known for this backyard maneuvering. They will use obstacles like fences, to hide from their prey (small birds) before attacking them at bird feeders.

Generally, when Cooper shows up it either means I’m about to get blinded by a sneak attack (like Grenwinaes’ poor job review that he got when in Missouri and which started the catalyst for returning to Oklahoma), or it’s something I need to react too quickly.

I did get several things done in regards to daughter – she is set up with some needed appointments and we shall see what we shall see.

The pair of Hawks – well I know what that was about and discussed it with Grenwinae because I behaved badly towards him the night daughter had her meltdown. I think the Hawks were admonishing me.

On caring for myself this week, I finally got in for the massage I bought from Living Social. And I bought a facial package for myself and daughter. Daughter of course wants nothing to do about taking care of herself but too bad. I’m pushing through on it.

I also got my hair cut – it was looking shaggy. I’m worst about letting it grow out and ignoring it. So getting my hair done every 6 weeks is going to be one of my care-for-self things I will start to do.

The biggest things remaining that I’ve done nothing about is 1.) eating better; 2.) exercising; and 3.) clothes shopping.

Baby steps… baby steps…

Got off the computer and my bank called… my debit card was used illegally (the number had been compromised) and they bank caught it and refused the charge. Card cancelled, new card on the way, but no damage done.

Personal Problems

The past two days Hawk has been trying to get my attention. He’s been up close and personal on my drives to and from the barn. Although a meditation yesterday yielded nothing.

Later, that night the Boom was lowered. 😦

Today, I see one flying high up and over me in spirals. I tell him Thanks a lot for nothing, buddy. Couldn’t have brought better news?

As I crossed the bridge and drove down into the area where I saw the Bald Eagle, a Red Tailed Hawk swooped across the road and landed on a tree like a foot from another one, which rose up (to attack the first?) and than swooped back across the road. He kept pace with my card flying side by side.

Really don’t need more crap, Hawk.

Not sure what that was all about. Not sure I want to know.

Just as I finished and posted this – Coopers Hawk swooped through the back yard on a hunt. Now, I’m really getting concerned…. 😦

Conversations in Pink

As I prepared for my meditation today, I was going to use my Tiger Iron stone (a mixture of Jasper, Hematite and Tiger’s Eye) but something pulled me to my large piece of Rose Quartz, an Apophyllite Tip of crystal as well as the Charoite stone I had set down within a shell at my meditation table.

Even though I didn’t sink into a deep trance state I had a rather in-depth conversation (my interactions are often just internal conversations: me asking or commenting and in return being corrected, guided or re-directed) so I’m writing this up as how it unfolded in my head (Charoite on my Third Eye, Rose Quartz on my Heart).

I walked into a glow of soft pink light and the conversation began with a Them (who They were I don’t know so can’t answer that at this time. It spoke as one voice and was genderless):

It’s time for you to allow Healing to take place

The entire time we are chatting, I’m still surrounded by pink light and though I’m aware of the street noises and sometimes my thoughts wander, the pink light doesn’t go away and the conversation for the most part stays on track.

Okay, but I thought Healing was supposed to Hurt. I’m not really feeling anything. When are you going to start poking?

The Lessons of Pain are past. They have been Learned. This is Healing.

The last sentence they show me unzipping my skin on my arm and that nothing is wounded, bleeding, or weeping inside and then they just zip me back up.

That sounds good but why don’t I feel like I’m okay inside?

That’s a reflex response to old stuff that doesn’t really bother you anymore. It’s a habitual response. YOU don’t want to let it go –

(image of a baby sucking a bottle).

I think on all the stuff I’m not getting done or not feeling emotionally ready to deal with: like cleaning the house, organizing myself better, even cleaning out the garage, the exercise regime I haven’t started….

Until you accept – CORRECTION ON THEIR PART – EMBRACE – your feminine side you can’t gain what you want. Fully embracing is the healing you need to do.

I won’t go into the personal stuff I don’t want to share here but yeah, I see what they are telling me and I’m getting it. I don’t think this is going to be easy as it’s going to fight against every instinct I’ve got to do the opposite.

I’ve entrenched myself into a mentality that I have to shut off that part of myself – of beauty, gentleness, nurturing, loving – in order to survive. Giving up on that is going to take prying my hands off the railing of a bridge extending over a very deep ravine.

Deer and Peacock are sent for you to understand.

This wasn’t all spelled out in words but more in an instinctual whammy of understanding. These two have been sent to teach but won’t remain or be as personal as my other, long time Guides – Owl, Hawk, Vulture and Rabbit.

Deer is to teach me softness and gentleness. I actually got two hugs from my daughter in the last 24 hours because of thinking on Deer. Deer is the Loving and Nurturing Mother without condemnation, guilt or manipulation.  This is not quite the role model my mother was and being more along a Predator-mentality myself, it’s hard work to learn those lessons! I tend to lapse back into a Lion mindset.

Peacock is to show me the Flash – taking care of myself physically, letting myself enjoy jewelry again, better clothes – no matter if I lose weight or not. Peacock is more about the Show and the Glitter – let’s BeDazzle the crap out of it! is Peacocks motto.

I guess Peacock would be my Gay-Husband to show me to strut my stuff. He’s kinda embarrassing – not because he’s gay, but because he is such a Diva who brings a lot of attention to himself (and remember, I’m Owl). He’s the guy that is constantly yakking to the sales clerks in the store, and asking for one more thing to try on.  Showmanship and Life of the Party is not generally how I would describe myself.

Before we finish I ask about my business. They tell me it will all be okay and that I have a lot of creativity I can tap into. My ability is not to make grand art, but to make art out of ordinary things because I see them in a different way – I’m able to make connections that others don’t and I need to rely upon this talent in forming ideas and products for the business.

Yes, people will pay you for that. Relax.

I’m shown that I am to meditate (bathing in pink light) with the Rose Quartz before going to sleep, so when I was done, put the Rose Quartz and Charoite on my bedside.

They release me out of the pink and I put my things away. When I log back in to write this, I’m immediately faced with two Owl articles (one here and one video) so I think yes, I’m on the right track with this.

Healing without Pain? Hm that seems to go against my Protestant ancestors ideas of Work til You Die, Suffer because you are Sinful, and all that jazz. Yes, please more, thank you.

Bald Eagle

Bald_Eagle_Portrait
W. Lloyd MacKenzie, via Flickr

Coming back on my drive from the barn yesterday we saw a Bald Eagle! He was sitting up high in a Sycamore tree and when I pulled off to admire he flew away – rats! Hawks and Eagles seem to take us gawking at them rather like Hollywood stars being hassled by paparazzi. I’ve often tried to stop at a safe distance and their attitude, is like “Fool! Leave me alone!” 😀

I stopped (respectfully) several times to try to get a view of Grumpy Hawk – a mostly black mottled white Hawk that I would see at the same highway location when I drove from Ozark to Nixa, MO. I would often see him when something was about to happen (communication mostly) with my son who was still living in Oklahoma while we were in Missouri.

I ended up calling him Grumpy Hawk (as he seemed just as grumpy as the son was) but was never able to identify him positively because he would take off every time I would stop and try to get my binoculars on him.

Bald Eagles migrate to Oklahoma during the winter season, starting in November. There are Eagle Watch areas in Oklahoma where you can observe and admire them.

I traveled the same route today hoping I might spot him again. I didn’t see him in his tree and was just thinking I wouldn’t see him and I should go on an Eagle Watch when he appeared over my head! Luckily, no one was behind me so I stopped the car and watched him hover in the strong wind.

With their distinctive white heads they really are a show stopper. I thanked him and told him I would definitely go on an Eagle Watch. Wouldn’t it be cool if he was my next Animal Guide? However, I think that Bald Eagle is a bit too high for my social class order. Besides I really think it’s Peacock; I just have to get used to that idea.

When there is nothing to let go

So last week wasn’t emotionally the best week. No good reason for it but just felt snarly. The situation with son isn’t completely resolved (he looked so defeated last week I just didn’t have the heart to rip him) but he did get his PTK paperwork sent off for his scholarship before deadline and is making a study schedule with his dad.

One reason for the snarls is the inundation of information via the internet. I love Halloween (or Samhain) but the overkill on the pagan articles about worshipping ancestors (which I don’t) was really making this cat angry. I have very few tender feelings about relatives, living or dead.

I have thought some of my mother, who I am estranged from, this week. No, there will not be any reconciliation but I, as the kids get older, and I look back, I can better understand the stress, worry, and uncertainty she must have been experiencing (after all my father died when he was 52, and I am 51).

However, while I can sympathize, I cannot empathize. I am not her; she is not me… and the casual, cruel choices she made in parenting cannot be ignored or excused. Nothing can change her manipulating, selfish character. I wish her well with her remaining years and I can forgive but won’t be forgetting.

I’m also on Week Three of the Journal Challenge. I always seem to be going the opposite direction of everyone around me. This was true when I was a teenager, and now 30 years later seems to adhere to the same pattern.

I’m not in denial – I really don’t have anything further to release or dig up from the graveyard of memories and regrets. Astronomically, it’s also the time to dig deep and let go… instead I am growing things, using this time of the fall season when things are dying, in order to create. This is all backwards!

So rummaging around in the Skeleton Closet, looking for something that I can shoehorn into my challenges, here are some general thoughts:

1.) I am too harsh on myself when it comes to letting in good things into my life. I’m better at this than I was but I can always do better in being kinder to myself.

The business is doing much better than I thought it would the first month, and it’s growing at a gradual pace which is good as it doesn’t put me under too much pressure at a time that I couldn’t handle a flurry of needs/wants/demands.

I will focus on her meditations and try to do one every day – just take some quiet time and acknowledge that I’m worthy of my success and that my success can be taken on it’s own merit and not as a means to an end.

2.) We had talked about taking our next trip (this time to Stillwater, OK) and I want to plan that in the schedule prior to the week of notorious ice storm weather (so before Dec. 10th).

Planning and taking these mini-vacations is something we both really, really need to affirm that our life is changing, to experience new things, and to have pleasurable time together as a couple without demands from life eroding our relationship.

3.) Release and clean up: do a clean up on the house, work a bit getting the garage cleaned up and sorted, and start the winter garden beds are physical activities I need to start working on.

Martial Law going into effect

It is overdue time for our son to be chased out of the village with old men carrying sticks.

Since we have moved back to Oklahoma and all are living together, while he attends college, the need for me to have space – without him – and for him to have space – without us – is way overdue. Because I’ve been making excuses for his needs, I’ve not been as firm with the guidelines as I had laid them out before all this college started.

He’s your typical 20 year old – drama prince – narcissistic world-revolves-around-me and my Big First World problems of putting together a Dungeons and Dragons playgroup.

watchingmystories

I should never have put up with this crap last year and so the road is going to meet rubber this weekend. Martial Law is to be implemented. Heads are going to start rolling.

funny-pictures-lock-and-load

The Lion is reclaiming her home again and there is going to be a Rumble.

walk-away

 

The Lion RAWRS!

not_happy_Leo
I’m going through one of my spells – where little things really irritate me. Most – if not all – of all the internet really irritates me. The ignorance, stupidity, lack of common sense, and the round of “I think this way so you should think the same” makes me blow my gasket.

Usually I just make sure I get more alone time, but lately it seems I’m being shadowed by kids, pets or husband every step of the way and for someone who favors the life of a Hermit, it’s like fingernails down a chalkboard. I REALLY need some alone time or heads are going to start falling.

contemplative_irritated_leo

Week 2 of the Journal Challenge has started. I will have to think over this and how I will approach it. I’m in a weird situation when it comes to this topic. I’ve done this work already and dug deep. I know my faults and what causes them. I know how to work around them or to kick them in the ass. Sometimes, I procrastinate on the ass-kicking like the exercise thing (which needs to be addressed this week) but generally, I’m very tuned in to myself because of decades of work.

I wasn’t raised to have low self esteem and lets’ face it I’m a classic Leo. So laying around self-pitying and mentally masturbating about my issues is not my style.  I know for a fact that over thinking what you do wrong can actually cause you to spiral deeper into a depression and prevents action. The only real antidote to in-action is action and action is movement not sitting on your butt over-analyzing why you are a fuck up.

I would rather RAWR it out, rip some poor gazelle’s throat out, and than go lay around (with some great hair) in the sun where everyone can admire my bad-ass ways.

basking_leo

Don’t get me wrong, some people need to really examine their life and find out why they repeat the same patterns of behavior – choosing the same type of man who is an abuser – is the one everyone recognizes but few actually understand how to change that behavior. I’m not in that phase of my life right now.

I don’t want to piss on anyone’s parade and I’ve already discussed the Tiny Home issues (where it’s becoming unrealistic and just outright stupid), but I want to address some things for people who might actually listen:

Living in a small town is NOT for everyone. It sounds romantic but each small town has it’s own “flavor.” I have lived in MANY small towns. The smallest was a population of 100. So please do not tell me that I do not know what I’m talking about. Being a former journalist, I’ve also been a person who covered the city government, school boards and other issues. So yeah, I know a LOT about small town living.

Some can be welcoming to strangers – many are not. Some have a certain crime specialty (i.e. one town had higher robberies of guns; another had a blossoming drug trafficking trade). All of them have issues with offering a variety of work options, so if you and your partner work – you may not find employment or be stuck working for one employer because choice doesn’t exist.

All of them have sacrifices you will need to make. Here are some that I have found very irritating – lack of choice of doctors; lack of hospitals for emergency care; lack of grocery shopping choices (really Wal-mart?); lack of diversity of views (many small towns are populated by very conservative people); and lack of employment opportunities.

If you are wanting to cut back, hey, I agree wholeheartedly and I’m making plans to do so myself. But this is what I suggest (before you really screw up your finances, your career and possibly the relationship with your significant other and kids):

We choose Springfield MO due to a lot of different criteria – population size was one. Smaller than Tulsa, but bigger than the smaller towns I had lived in. It had bookstores, quaint downtown, college town, hospitals, live theater groups, a mall, several of my favorite stores, health food stores, farmers market and was located near a lot of beautiful scenic areas. What is important to you?

1.) What size town (population wise) would really make you happy?

2.) What type of economy do you want to move into? Graduated from college, has different needs than moving to retirement.

3.) What type of weather do you like?

4.) Do you and your partner agree on this lifestyle? What compromises do you need to make?

5.) School systems. Most small towns have really crappy schools. If homeschooling, make sure the state you plan on living at allows and realize you need room to keep homeschooling supplies.

6.) What do you consider necessary to your life’s enjoyment? For example, I strongly need a bookstore and I wanted to enjoy more live theater. Guess what? NO INTERNET was available in Chadwick. YES, NO INTERNET.

I loved my time in Chadwick but that rural community has a serious meth and drug trafficking problem. It is also 45 minutes from town which made the trip to the emergency room seem to take forever, despite me speeding. Wal-mart was the closest grocery store and that sucked. Springfield MO didn’t offer any employment diversity for Grenwinae to change employers.

So… I wouldn’t give up the time we had there – it was wonderful – but I wouldn’t retire there either. Bottom line – if you can move and try it out first without a full cannon-ball dive into the deep end, I highly recommend it. But changing your lifestyle that drastically without baby steps? I can guarantee you that you might find yourself way in over your head.