When there is nothing to let go

So last week wasn’t emotionally the best week. No good reason for it but just felt snarly. The situation with son isn’t completely resolved (he looked so defeated last week I just didn’t have the heart to rip him) but he did get his PTK paperwork sent off for his scholarship before deadline and is making a study schedule with his dad.

One reason for the snarls is the inundation of information via the internet. I love Halloween (or Samhain) but the overkill on the pagan articles about worshipping ancestors (which I don’t) was really making this cat angry. I have very few tender feelings about relatives, living or dead.

I have thought some of my mother, who I am estranged from, this week. No, there will not be any reconciliation but I, as the kids get older, and I look back, I can better understand the stress, worry, and uncertainty she must have been experiencing (after all my father died when he was 52, and I am 51).

However, while I can sympathize, I cannot empathize. I am not her; she is not me… and the casual, cruel choices she made in parenting cannot be ignored or excused. Nothing can change her manipulating, selfish character. I wish her well with her remaining years and I can forgive but won’t be forgetting.

I’m also on Week Three of the Journal Challenge. I always seem to be going the opposite direction of everyone around me. This was true when I was a teenager, and now 30 years later seems to adhere to the same pattern.

I’m not in denial – I really don’t have anything further to release or dig up from the graveyard of memories and regrets. Astronomically, it’s also the time to dig deep and let go… instead I am growing things, using this time of the fall season when things are dying, in order to create. This is all backwards!

So rummaging around in the Skeleton Closet, looking for something that I can shoehorn into my challenges, here are some general thoughts:

1.) I am too harsh on myself when it comes to letting in good things into my life. I’m better at this than I was but I can always do better in being kinder to myself.

The business is doing much better than I thought it would the first month, and it’s growing at a gradual pace which is good as it doesn’t put me under too much pressure at a time that I couldn’t handle a flurry of needs/wants/demands.

I will focus on her meditations and try to do one every day – just take some quiet time and acknowledge that I’m worthy of my success and that my success can be taken on it’s own merit and not as a means to an end.

2.) We had talked about taking our next trip (this time to Stillwater, OK) and I want to plan that in the schedule prior to the week of notorious ice storm weather (so before Dec. 10th).

Planning and taking these mini-vacations is something we both really, really need to affirm that our life is changing, to experience new things, and to have pleasurable time together as a couple without demands from life eroding our relationship.

3.) Release and clean up: do a clean up on the house, work a bit getting the garage cleaned up and sorted, and start the winter garden beds are physical activities I need to start working on.

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