Killing the ones we love

479px-Bald_Eagle_PortraitI made a decision Friday that is devastating and irrevocable. It was necessary and had to be done; I know it was the right decision but I am horribly sad and grieving. Sorry for the tease, I won’t be sharing it here as it has nothing to do with this journal – only the aftershocks does.

Yesterday, I decided to keep busy running errands and we headed off to the store. I spotted a beautiful Red Tailed Hawk flying in circles (he flew relatively close right over my car) and pulled over in the parking lot to watch for a moment. Later, as I pulled around to park, a large shadow crossed my car and I looked up again to see his mate.

They were flying high, circling together, supporting each other and taking the long view.

That morning I had impatiently pulled a card from my Druid Animal Oracle. I was in the whatever-the-fuck-okay-I’ll-do-this-it-means-nothing-nothing-means-anything mood and got The Eagle. Because of how I pulled it, I don’t know if it was right side up or reversed.

The Eagle has many of the same qualities as The Hawk – wide view, focused attention, staying on target, striking at the right moment; however, where he deviates is his connection to Heaven and Earth, Heart and Mind, and the balance between them.  He has a stronger connection to Grace, Courage, the Spiritual World of Heaven and reducing the over analytical thinking mind and allowing the intuition from the heart to have its say.

After I told Grenwinae about pulling the card and seeing the Hawks, he remembered a dream he had the night before that he had planned on telling me (I’m sure in the morning chaos and anger that got lost in the shuffle):

He was waiting for me in a building. Noticing they had an atrium, he went over to sit under a tree. He heard a bunch of noise above him and saw three mature Bald Eagles in the branches. He thought: “I have to tell Becky about this!”

No, I didn’t feel cured of my despondency or even better about what I decided to have done but I know it was the right and correct decision, no matter how painful and devastating. Sometimes you have to see the big picture and have the courage to make the break – to order the hangman’s noose, to pull the lever and press the plunger.

I am still too heartbroken to figure out the entire message here. I am not surprised that an Animal Guide had to go sideways  – through Grenwinae – to reach me during this time as I have put up barriers so I can weather through this.

I’ll think about it later. When I’ve picked up all the broken pieces of my heart and get back to doing more than just functioning.

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