Monthly Archives: December 2015

my life right now is complicated

I’ve been absent from the blog as I’ve been consumed with work, my children and my horses. I am living in the vortex of a huge amount of stress and this morning had this dream that woke me up at 4 a.m. (you might have seen my earlier post about my daughter – I deleted it because ranting here about my soon to be 18 year old offspring is not what I do and that was done in a fit of rage and frustration):

I was driving a car with husband as passenger in the front seat. Ahead of me on the horizon, I saw some stormy weather and was just starting to comment we might want to look at the news when the top of the car was ripped off by a tornado.

I was sucked upwards, as if I had gone completely weightless. I looked down and could see my husband who was looking up. I shouted down to him and felt a deep loss I wouldn’t see him again (because of course I was going to die).

The wind around me got faster and was starting to spin me more towards the heart of the action.

My thoughts became panicked and desperate. If I kept going up, I was going to die and I just didn’t really want to do that. I started swimming with my arms trying to rotate myself and “dive” back down.

About this time, I started coming awake, and my conscious will kicked in so I forced the dream to allow the wind to release me, and the last thing I remember from it was landing on my left shoulder and husband running towards me.

My daughter has issues. My son has issues. I’m rather worn out and tired o their issues. I have decided to let the cards fall where they may and back out of their lives as much as feasible. They will sink or swim. They can listen to my advice and let me help them, or they can go get full time jobs and learn the joy of minimum wage and flipping hamburgers.

I have a retired horse in his mid twenties that I have decided to euthanize. It was a long hard decision and many tears but his health is deteriorating and where I can afford to keep him has no one trustworthy or knowledgeable if disaster strikes while I am out of town.

It is a complicated situation because he has to be fed separately and now I no longer can keep him separated from his pasture mates due to changes in the way the barn operates. I also have no one that is willing to feed and he must be fed daily.

I have talked with my vet about it, and the possibility of him ending his life in terrible pain is highly likely (he has bowel issues). Right now I have the money to pay for a proper burial (and for those who have never dealt with horse related deaths, burying a 1,000 pound animal is not an easy situation like burying a dog or cat) and the weather hasn’t quite gone into the bone chilling, windy temps we get here.

Luckily, husband did get his bonus and we know the amount that will hit next payday. This gives us a jumpstart on getting more done on the house and allows us to target March 2017 as the date it goes on the market.

Things are spinning out of my control and I’ve got to just let it go and do what I can.

Advertisements