A couple of months back, I took daughter out of town to have some tests done. Things have been going on a downward emotional spiral for her for several years and we have tried several things to help her but it is a slow climb upward.
After the first trip, we were driving back on the highway and had just pulled up on the entrance ramp. She had fallen asleep already. As I accelerated, a huge black shadow, the mass size of a horse came barreling at us from the right side of the road. It was like a monstrous black cloud mass that had a galloping movement such as a dog or wolf.
In a blink it was gone. Had I imagined it?
Two days ago, I saw a deer along the woodside drive that I take to the horses. I pulled over to watch and a large black shadow flew over the car. I looked up and saw a Blue Heron. Afterwards I saw a lot of hawks. Clearly, I had a message in my inbox.
Yesterday, I spent several hours asking for guidance and meditation on this situation. I deliberately selected and set aside the Deer and Crane from the Druid Animal Oracle Deck. I asked for cards to give further clarification and pulled from the Earth Oracle deck, two cards:
Deer – Mother love, patience, gentleness is expanded with Dreamtime: Creation. I had already been thinking, and this card combination affirmed, that I would need to create a new relationship with Daughter. An environment of loving acceptance, gentleness and understanding instead of guilt, anger, frustration and/or criticism.
Generally, I don’t worry to much about personal protection. I’ve set some things up and I renew them but anything would be crazy if it wanted to take me on. I will post further clarification about this in a later post.
OTOH, my daughter is vulnerable, far too much. Last night, two hours after I did the above, around 6 p.m., my daughter was involved in a car accident. She, and my MIL, are okay but it lends urgency to my thinking something needs to be done on an energy-spiritual level. Something doesn’t like being noticed.
Tonight we will be doing a special working just for her; I don’t expect it to resolve her issues but if there is anything after her, Grenwinae and I can let it know it has been put on notice. The New Moon in Cancer is a perfect time!
As I prepared for my meditation today, I was going to use my Tiger Iron stone (a mixture of Jasper, Hematite and Tiger’s Eye) but something pulled me to my large piece of Rose Quartz, an Apophyllite Tip of crystal as well as the Charoite stone I had set down within a shell at my meditation table.
Even though I didn’t sink into a deep trance state I had a rather in-depth conversation (my interactions are often just internal conversations: me asking or commenting and in return being corrected, guided or re-directed) so I’m writing this up as how it unfolded in my head (Charoite on my Third Eye, Rose Quartz on my Heart).
I walked into a glow of soft pink light and the conversation began with a Them (who They were I don’t know so can’t answer that at this time. It spoke as one voice and was genderless):
It’s time for you to allow Healing to take place
The entire time we are chatting, I’m still surrounded by pink light and though I’m aware of the street noises and sometimes my thoughts wander, the pink light doesn’t go away and the conversation for the most part stays on track.
Okay, but I thought Healing was supposed to Hurt. I’m not really feeling anything. When are you going to start poking?
The Lessons of Pain are past. They have been Learned. This is Healing.
The last sentence they show me unzipping my skin on my arm and that nothing is wounded, bleeding, or weeping inside and then they just zip me back up.
That sounds good but why don’t I feel like I’m okay inside?
That’s a reflex response to old stuff that doesn’t really bother you anymore. It’s a habitual response. YOU don’t want to let it go –
(image of a baby sucking a bottle).
I think on all the stuff I’m not getting done or not feeling emotionally ready to deal with: like cleaning the house, organizing myself better, even cleaning out the garage, the exercise regime I haven’t started….
Until you accept – CORRECTION ON THEIR PART – EMBRACE – your feminine side you can’t gain what you want. Fully embracing is the healing you need to do.
I won’t go into the personal stuff I don’t want to share here but yeah, I see what they are telling me and I’m getting it. I don’t think this is going to be easy as it’s going to fight against every instinct I’ve got to do the opposite.
I’ve entrenched myself into a mentality that I have to shut off that part of myself – of beauty, gentleness, nurturing, loving – in order to survive. Giving up on that is going to take prying my hands off the railing of a bridge extending over a very deep ravine.
Deer and Peacock are sent for you to understand.
This wasn’t all spelled out in words but more in an instinctual whammy of understanding. These two have been sent to teach but won’t remain or be as personal as my other, long time Guides – Owl, Hawk, Vulture and Rabbit.
Deer is to teach me softness and gentleness. I actually got two hugs from my daughter in the last 24 hours because of thinking on Deer. Deer is the Loving and Nurturing Mother without condemnation, guilt or manipulation. This is not quite the role model my mother was and being more along a Predator-mentality myself, it’s hard work to learn those lessons! I tend to lapse back into a Lion mindset.
Peacock is to show me the Flash – taking care of myself physically, letting myself enjoy jewelry again, better clothes – no matter if I lose weight or not. Peacock is more about the Show and the Glitter – let’s BeDazzle the crap out of it! is Peacocks motto.
I guess Peacock would be my Gay-Husband to show me to strut my stuff. He’s kinda embarrassing – not because he’s gay, but because he is such a Diva who brings a lot of attention to himself (and remember, I’m Owl). He’s the guy that is constantly yakking to the sales clerks in the store, and asking for one more thing to try on. Showmanship and Life of the Party is not generally how I would describe myself.
Before we finish I ask about my business. They tell me it will all be okay and that I have a lot of creativity I can tap into. My ability is not to make grand art, but to make art out of ordinary things because I see them in a different way – I’m able to make connections that others don’t and I need to rely upon this talent in forming ideas and products for the business.
Yes, people will pay you for that. Relax.
I’m shown that I am to meditate (bathing in pink light) with the Rose Quartz before going to sleep, so when I was done, put the Rose Quartz and Charoite on my bedside.
They release me out of the pink and I put my things away. When I log back in to write this, I’m immediately faced with two Owl articles (one here and one video) so I think yes, I’m on the right track with this.
Healing without Pain? Hm that seems to go against my Protestant ancestors ideas of Work til You Die, Suffer because you are Sinful, and all that jazz. Yes, please more, thank you.
I am in a limbo. I need to wait for a lot of events to happen and these events won’t be solved for years. Discouraging to say the least but we are ants moving one grain of sand at a time. I’ve used this as an excuse not to do stuff, including getting out to nature. I think this is a bit of the sullen part of me – kinda like a finger to life’s circumstances which has brought me back to Tulsa and to a house I don’t want to live in.
I decided I had been moping too much and sat under a Cottonwood tree, waiting for Grenwinae to get off his bus commute. I wasn’t there long but got the clear message that I needed to stop playing the victim card and start doing what I can do.
Grenwinae walked over to greet me and found a Blue Jay feather next to where I sat. Affirmation.
Blue Jay is a member of the Corvidae family which also includes Ravens, Jays and Mockingbirds. They can be just as intelligent and mischievous as their cousins. When we lived in Missouri, we had a flock (over 16 counted) of Blue Jays that hung around the property; I’ve never seen them before since in such numbers. It seems that they do migrate so I’m guessing they were spring arrivals and hadn’t quite dispersed yet to build nests and raise families.
The Blue Jay’s coloring mimics the heavens, and with his crest of feathers is often connected with spiritual work. But he also is seen as a bit of a dilettante – jack of all trades, master of none – moving off to grab another pretty, and dropping the first. He’s a reminder to keep my goals on track and keep my energy focused (something I have not been doing since July).
My father always found and kept Blue Jay feathers in his hat. That little feather of blue and black with a white tip also serves as reminder of him.
When I got home I decided that one simple thing I could do to work towards my ultimate goal (sell this house, massively downsize and live in the country) was to go through our books and start making a wishlist on Amazon to get them moved onto Kindle.
I never thought I would move to digital books – I love reading a “real” book – but after having my tablet for more than a year the convenience and simplicity to see all my books, pick one I want and start reading has been seductive.
The reality is we probably have a 1,000 books and they are a pain to physically move and the next house will not have the space to store or display them. I generally give myself a $25 budget each paycheck to start transferring books – always looking for specials.
Cleaning through the books is giving me the feeling I am making progress – and as a person who is action oriented this really helps my emotional self, which in turn powers me to get other things done too.
For the last year, many signs have been given to me that I need to address my throat chakra. While we were in Missouri and had privacy and time, I asked Grenwinae to do a Reiki reading on my chakras, especially my throat.
When he was at my throat, Water Dragon provided this vision: the Water Dragon split into two – mirror images of each other. Each head could speak but what one head could say the other couldn’t. If one head could speak the truth, the other had to say something different.
While he was having this vision, I felt as if a small marble in my throat suddenly dropped down about 1/2 an inch and settled into place. I said urm and a second before my vocalization, Grenwinae’s image of two heads snapped into one.
The last two jobs I had, especially the last one, I had to keep quiet and suppress many things I wanted to say. I felt I had to do this to survive my job. Speaking up would not have improved my situation. When I was at the training, I had to pretend to be someone else to get through it. I can’t even write about this experience here as it could get me in trouble with some powerful people.
Trying to keep my heads together, communication, creativity, and keeping a job, is going to be my 2014 goal.
In Ye Olden Dayes, I’d worry about the quality of the harvest. Did we plant enough? Harvest enough? Store enough?… to survive? Today, it’s just money. So sordid and secular but money pays for the food I eat, the clothes I wear, the transportation to get to my job, and supplies for those I care and love, both human and animal.
I have two money concerns – one is my job and one is my personal finances. For me to succeed, my job must succeed and I must be able to harvest enough money for the business to survive so I can survive and, hopefully, prosper. At the crux of the matter, is that I would be able to get the business moving the right direction – with a lot of kicking, screaming, whining, and hair pulling. But yes, I have the potential. Do I have the energy and the desire?
Today, I asked Earth for guidance, strength and wisdom.
I started by cleansing the stones I wanted to use all with smoke from a Home Protection incense cone and a loose incense Prosperity blend (Hippie Mama). The business I work for needs a cleansing itself, as well as protection, in addition to Prosperity, so this seemed to make sense to me.
Brecciated Jasper – for strength, stability, organization and get it done. A stone, in various forms, I’ve used it a lot for strength and power.
Citrine – energy feels like fizzy bubbles going down your tongue. I had to remind them to quiet down – no tricksy ways which they have done in the past! I needed stable, consistent income from clients who we could help with compassion and who could pay!
Pyrite cubes – a quieter energy, steady and reserved.
Malachite – even wanted to help this time.
Clear Quartz – to power up the other stones.
Mixed with 3 gold coins and the Prosperity blend.
The large stone on the right (photo) is called Tiger Iron: a combination of Tigers Eye, Hematite and Jasper. Once I received it (want one too? go here), it was much larger and heavier than I ever expected. When you hold it you feel as if you are on a down elevator straight into the deep caverns of the Earth. It spoke of heavy, weighty things and I wasn’t sure what I would do with it.
I used it today to call upon Earth.
Thoughts came to me like birds, landing on my head:
1.) Focus. I need to not be distracted. At work it is easy to be pulled to other fires that need to be stomped out.
2.) Organization. I’m working from the ground up. There is little to nothing in place and I will have to build the framework of the house.
3.) Relentless. It’s exhausting the amount of energy needed but we need to keep feeding the fire with fuel. Make sure the flame doesn’t go out.
4.) Consistency. The spiking up and down rollercoaster needs to be a steady climb.
The Druid Oracle Cards
Owl Reversed (Owl is one of my Power Guides) ~ Now is not the time to be secretive or to draw back from what needs to be done. This card, like the Hind reversed, reminds me I need to be fully present in the secular world at this time. Mysterious and All-Seeing Owl Power discommodes people and is not a team player; that power is for another time.
Cat ~ The cat has the power to observe, knows when to conserve energy and to pounce. It unobtrusively observes to know when the time is ripe for action. Curiosity can aid me in uncovering what I need to be successful.
Bee ~ The card of industry and harmony among the workers – production. I’ve pulled this card often when it comes to work. I need to foster the team, working together, and not be a Lone Owl hunting Alone. Everyone needs to know their place in the hive and contribute.
The last few times I’ve asked for guidance, it seems the Elementals responded, specifically Air. Thinking upon it I didn’t need the mercurial aspects of Air, the cleansing of Water, or the Destruction and Regeneration of Fire. To me Earth represented the nurturing, strength, stability and wisdom I would need if I am to make it through the next six months and get this business turned around in the right direction.
Earth knows the right time for growth and harvest. Earth isn’t sentimental but does what is needed to be done, in it’s Season. I rang bells and asked Earth what I needed to do. Anyone who has tried to grow anything will immediately understand the response:
Two days ago the Wild was calling me. I hung up the phone and retreated to a book. When I’m emotionally drained, I just want to crawl under the covers, turn off the phone and tell the world to go fuck itself.
Yesterday I felt like I was able to connect and went outside for some time.
It’s never truly dark in the city. It’s one of the things I dislike so much about suburbia. However, the weather was building up for an approaching storm and it is my favorite time of the night – the feeling of a storm brewing, the suppressed electric feel to the air, and the expectancy of Nature letting loose.
I’ve noticed that when the wind starts up there is the beginning of something… a conversation? as this has happened several times before.
I’m in a difficult and strange situation at work. Due to my age, and life experiences, I understand why my boss is angry and snapping at people. However, from my age and life experiences I also know this behavior won’t solve the problem that she finds herself in.
As a mid-level supervisor, I hear from the folk below me and I sympathize with their situation. I hear from my boss and know where she is coming from. I also know what the most likely outcome of all of this is going to be from my age and life experiences.
Worst is I don’t know what to do about it. I’m an action-rabbit person who wants to hop about and get some stuff done quick-quick. This is not what this situation calls for. My hands are tied and I have few, if any, avenues.
This is where I was last night. So the call went out to the Universe and I was reminded that the Universe answers in it’s own time.
I told the Universe I had too much too do…the Universe replied:
that well may be but you need to slow down anyway.
I told the Universe, I didn’t know how to deal with my boss….the Universe replied:
Love and Compassion can be offered from the wellspring of Wisdom.
Or something like that.
So I made this little grouping of Rose Quartz, Girasol, Rhodonite, Pink Calcite and Pink Agate with a spear of Clear Quartz. Flourite sits on top of my Labyrinth – dealing with a maze of emotion.
I tried to remember compassion during the unexpected staff meeting when she wanted to blame everyone but herself for why things are in the state they are in. I took some deep breaths and grounded myself when she wanted to focus on trivialities instead of the fact business-wise, we are drowning.
Yet, I forgot to be compassionate when I had to terminate someone’s employment. Sometimes my compassion is a miss and I need to work on getting more hits.
I need to use my knowledge to provide the emotional support others need from me – bringing forth love and compassion because I understand though my wisdom what is happening to them and to me.
I need to provide support to Grenwinae by smoothing his path;
I need to focus on the needs of our children for me to stay present with them during these changing, growing up years;
I need to know that my path will present itself when I’m ready and something will appear when I need that;
Our bedroom has a large alcove. When I was gone to Canada, Grenwinae painted it for me and decorated the ceiling with tree branches. We have put a lot of our little things there and it’s become a place for me to sit and meditate, facing the rising moon. From the branches hang wooden wind chimes and strands of bells and on the walls are various plaques. Shelves hold our materials of feathers, acorns, glazed pots and stones.
As I sat there my mine was full to bursting, my thoughts running around like four year olds in a toy store. What was Owl trying to tell me? My Monkey mind came up with dozens of interpretations. When I couldn’t calm myself, I thought should I go outside, stay here? what to do!?
Ringing the hanging bells and woodchimes with my gifted willow stick, helped things to settle. I held the moonstones and finally cleared my mind.
I am allowing myself to get scattered in too many directions. It’s getting harder to succeed with worries and distractions draining my focus. It is hard to hit your target when you’re eyes are darting around to every dust mote in a moonbeam.
Owl’s message is about illness and wellness – when I’m ill, drained, tired, it leaves only the strength to eat skunk – and roadkill skunk at that! I need to focus on getting myself well – mentally and physically, and not let old wounds put me in the trap of dealing with stinky people and situations.
I pulled the Fire Dragon Reversed (Druid Animal Oracle Deck) – a lot of suppressed anger which I tend to vent in inappropriate ways. Keeping rein on my temper, even though I may have reason to be angry, does not lead to what I want and returns me to the old impetuous ways. I need to divorce my anger reaction to my boss from reason.
I thought about this before doing my employee reviews today… I didn’t need to overwhelm them with my displeasure but focus on what we could do to improve our working situation. I feel things went better with the reviews having contemplated the Fire Dragon beforehand.
After all my preparation for my working to ask the Universe to move a bit faster, Fire and Success didn’t want to talk to me. My candles kept blowing out and after a great bit of smudging a beautiful scent, my Horn of Plenty fire faded. Harumph.
I took Vulture’s feathers, laid back on the grass and told Wind, Fine talk with me. Turns out, Wind had a lot to say.
I asked Mother Vulture to look after me;
of course, daughter, you are family (wings spread to the sun as we all sit on the family tree).
I asked Rabbit-child to be there for me;
You carry me within you (quiet whisper).
I asked Owl for guidance;
I haven’t left you (a hooting chuckle).
I asked Hawk for a message. Hawk? Hello, Hawk? Hawk was too busy so I think my mind supplied the reply of that He would get back to me when I needed it. I swear he reminds me of my brother.
After that, a whole long inner dialogue took place, some of which I’ll give the gist of…
It started with me thinking of the Dragon Hoards’ oil and how much I liked the smell which made my mind fasten on the word Treasure. Which got the reply:
Your treasure is right here.
In the scratchy grass? Where it was 101 degrees today and none of my grand spell is going along the way I expected…?
Yes, Treasure is here. Home is here. You are the home. Where you go, there is the Hearth, the Dwelling, the Sense of Place for the family. He will come to you.
Home? You’re kidding right? I don’t like housework and don’t consider my myself Supermommy material at any time of my motherhood.
Yes. You are the receptacle. The place mark. The container that holds all of it.The womb is more than a place to birth out children.
Even if I went out and was an Amazon Warrior, I would still embody the Center of Place. I would take it with me and any male would recognize it. At this point there was a lot of skepticism on my end and many questions.
Grenwinae will have it harder than you because of his yearning and need to be Home. He might know how to cook a meal and clean up the kitchen but he really doesn’t understand all the layers and meanings of what Home, Hearth, and Place actually is. He yearns for it. Yet has no ability to create it – or hold it –
That is your Mystery.
About this time little light drops of rain started to fall on me.
But I want him here! I want to be looked after. I want to be cuddled and cherished and have him do all the King things.
Queens have to do things too.Defense, strategic management, putting down usurpers….
Being a Queen isn’t an easy job you know.
So I guess this means no job, huh?
The replying silence wasn’t really a no. It was just we had discussed what we needed to be discussed and Wind had moved on. The fear of losing Grenwinae or not having him with me far outweighs money concerns. Obviously, my inner self knows this and is responding to the deep fears I have, sweeping away earthly concerns of paying overdue bills, food and clothing.
We have a group of yearling cotton tail rabbits
who were playing tag in the backyard (Oklahoma house);
and while I was telling Grenwinae over the phone about them,
a cottontail went across the road (Missouri);
When he got home, one of our Corgi’s flushed a rabbit
(he thinks it was a Swamp Rabbit).
We’ve been plagued with a bunch of things that need to be done. Just got the upstairs AC replaced and now the bottom AC needs to be replaced too (we have a two story house). I am still paying on the hospital bill, have to pay off son’s teeth (he’s on the end of his Invisalign braces), and pay off a bill I let go too long on one of my horses.
Right now Grenwinae has his iron in many fires: resumes with three different companies and a fourth he interviewed today (which we already agreed he would decline because of who it is with – the evil GMO empire).
I’m hoping the bunnies are foretelling many opportunities and not disasters.
I’ll do a little thank you meditation to rabbit tonight.
Monday night was lonely without Grenwinae. It was also my first day of work at my new job and a very long day it was indeed. I took comfort with a meditation, calling on my animal guides: asking rabbit to help me keep still at work and not to jump the gun on any issues; and for Owl to let me remember the power and wisdom of appropriate silence and when it’s time to swoop down and take it with my powerful claws!
I scented a cotton ball with Jasmine (about four drops) and Roman Chamomile (8 drops) to smell and aid my mood which was feeling kinda low. I find Jasmine overwhelming so wanted Roman Chamomile to bring that intensity down. I actually really liked the balance that the J-RC gave so I may need to work with that a bit in a bath or hair product.
I did use Jasmine prior to bed but didn’t see any adverse effects. I had a bit of a headache (possible culprit Roman Chamomile) when using it today but I think that was more due to weather changes.
The following is from my personal notes. Notations are at the bottom. The areas marked in blue is why I selected these fragrances last night.
Used in the Mediterranean region for over 2,000 years, revered by the Egyptians and Moors, it was one of the Saxon’s nine sacred herbs (collectively called ‘maythen’). Improves vitality and promotes peace, as this plant was seen as the plants physician as it promoted the health of plants around it (Lawless, Essential Oils).
Scent: Fresh and clean. Warm, sweet and fruity. Light scent.
Uses: Make rinses and conditioners to heighten blond highlights, helps prevent dandruff and conditions dry hair. Cosmetic use softens the skin and refreshes the eyes (use a very low dilution like 1 percent or less for facial use). Pillow sachets for eye masks. Massage oil for menstrual cramping and/or stomach/digestion pain. Use in an atomizer (or other method) to scent the space.
Use when undergoing difficult times and you need reassurance all will work out well. Reassures you that things that have been irritating or pestering you will pass (Nature-Speak, Ted Andrews). Promotes peace and healing (Pagandreams.co.uk).
Combos: Geranium, bergamot, jasmine, lavender. Neroli and/or clary sage lend a warm, fresh note when added in small quantities. German chamomile is longer lasting.
Magickal (folklore and historical): Love, healing, and reducing stress. Burn as incense for de-stressing, meditation, and restful sleep. Use chamomile around the house to remove hexes, curses and spells. Add to sachets/spells to increase chances of success. Luck & Prosperity: Burn or add to prosperity bags to increase money. Wash hands in an infusion of chamomile before gambling or playing cards. Keep a packet of the herb with lottery tickets. Use in bath magick to attract love.
Medicinal: A gentle oil, suitable for use with children (unless they have allergies – see warning). Anti-fungal, antibacterial and anti-inflammatory. Skin care: acne, allergies, cuts, burns, dermatitis (can cause this condition with some individuals, depending on sensitivity), insect bites; arthritis, muscular pain, inflammation, colic indigestion, nausea, PMS, menstrual problems, headaches, insomnia, tension and migraine.
RELATED TO RAGWEED FAMILY. DO NOT USE IF PREGNANT or BREASTFEEDING. CAN PRODUCE NAUSEAU IF USED IN LARGE DOSAGES. CAUSES DERMATITIS IN SOME. CAREFUL IF YOU HAVE LOW BLOOD PRESSURE.
Jasminum grandiflorum (i.e. Pikake, Ysmyn, Jessamin, Moonlight on the Grove)
Jasmine is the sacred flower of Persia and in that language translates to “gift from God.” Garlands of Jasmine are given to honored guests in India and 10 days before the marriage, brides would be massaged with a mixture of Jasmine oil, spices and herbs each day.
Awakens greater discrimination, mental clarity, heart chakra, and stimulates the ability for prophetic dreams. Can help foretell coming transitions (Nature-Speak, Ted Andrews).
Scent: rich, floral scent. My experience with this scent is a little goes a long way! It can be overwhelming to those sensitive to smells.
Uses: Meditation, incense, sachets, spells, incense, bathwater. Massage oil for menstrual cramping or as an oil prior to lovemaking. Helpful in lifting your mood. Do not use prior to bed as it stimulates nasal drainage (Nature-Speak, Ted Andrews).
Combos: Clary Sage emphasizes the sensual aspect; try sandalwood (exotic), the citrus family (fresh) or rose (floral). Blends with almost anything.
Magickal: Divination; good for charging quartz crystals. Use in sachets and spells to draw spiritual love and attract a soul mate. Carry or burn the flowers to draw wealth and money. Promotes new, innovative ideas.
Medicinal: Dry, greasy or irritated skin. Muscular spasms, coughs, hoarseness, laryngitis, frigidity, menstrual cramps, labor pains, uterine disorders, depression, stress related disorders. Produces a feeling of optimism, confidence and euphoria and is helpful for those who feel apathy, indifference, or listlessness (Lawless, Essential Oils).
MAY CAUSE IRRITATION IN SOME.
Sources:Magickal Cat for magical references unless indicated elsewhere, Deep Glade Apothecary, Aura Cacia, AromaWeb, Pagandreams.co.uk, The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Essential Oils by Julia Lawless, Clare Maxwell-Hudson’s Aromatherapy Massage, Your Backyard Herb Garden by Miranda Smith, and Readers Digest Complete Illustrated Book of Herbs.