Category Archives: Self-Knowledge

Earth Magic Cards: Standing Firm and Flexible Relationships

Now that things have calmed down a bit, I pulled three of the Earth Magic Oracle Cards. I commonly pull three cards, to be read together (not as past-present-future).


While I have had others read my cards, I actually prefer to read them myself. I also don’t do readings every day or even once a week. Just when the mood strikes me and particularly when I feel I need guidance because I am stuck on a problem and need a fresh perspective.

The three cards are Music (Harmony), Mountain (Strength) and Clouds (Shapechanging). One reason I like reading three cards together is it gives enough information to be helpful but is not overwhelming.

To bring Harmony in our Mother-Daughter relationship, I need to focus on deep strength and confidence in what I’m doing and let daughter (as well as the relationship) continue to change and be flexible as she matures. The Mountain also is indicative that I have the strength needed against the challenges we will face during this transitory time.

These cards also speak of the duality of Earth and Air. Grounding and Spirit. Fixed reality and the Insubstantial substance of smoke and dreams.


Further thoughts on The Good Offense

Because of the lack of money we had let a lot of things go on the house. Things like routine repairs such as the house exterior needing repairs (which meant we were living with squirrels in the attic and eventually a raccoon), the exterior painting, termite control, a cracked window, new insulation in the attic, and replacing the hot water heater, AC units, heater and appliances such as dishwasher and refrigerator.

The money flow was slowly getting better (especially with the bankruptcy unexpectedly ending two years sooner than expected) but these were all big ticket repairs – over $1,000 and most of them in the $2-5,000 range.

In December, Grenwinae is likely to get a bonus but that could only stretch so far. If I went back to work for The Man, that would help with little expenses but again, wouldn’t replace a $5600 AC and Heat unit needed downstairs.

While all of this was on my mind, I also started thinking about the protection and abundance magick, I had done for our home and family. Yet, it seemed to me, and this idea continued to grow, that no spells or wishing for a better day was really going to happen when the very foundation of our house was falling apart! Even with magick, I couldn’t toss away common sense!

About a month ago, Grewinae sat down with a  family member and asked for help. She agreed and combined with our own money we started making a plan to get things done. As soon as the check cleared the bank – the water heater and AC downstairs failed, the upstairs AC stopped working, and the more reliable of the two cars had a horrible noise. It was not a moment too soon! It was almost as if everything had been holding its breath.

And this is how my Owl-sense works. I just feel a need to “do something” and if I follow through on listening to its intuitive siren call, then we sidestep disaster (such as demanding Grenwinae job hunt and two weeks after he got the new job, his old company was swallowed up in a hostile takeover and his boss fired).

We bought a new AC and heater for downstairs. We had enough to make a down payment and monthly payments will get it paid off in two years. The car took over $2,000 to get it back into good working order so afterwards I was able to make several out of town trips.

We were able to get the Hot Water Tank replaced (and the new water is already so much softer and is making the towels smell sweet). We replaced the dishwasher (and now it is so quiet and the dishes come out better with less effort).

Externally the largest project was getting the house repaired and repainted. During that process the house painter was stung by a wasp and discovered a potential bee issue. Called the bee guy and turns out we caught the problem just in time – no hive yet, they were on a scouting expedition looking for a new home.

We are surrounded by neighbors who would have turned us into the homeowner association on the paint and exterior. Literally, painting the house is putting up a huge banner deflecting that negativity. I do not underestimate that power of “changing old clothes for new to confuse evil.”

Not all is done. We still need a new refrigerator to replace a 21 year old unit. We need a termite treatment and the windows still need fixing. The work on the family room has just begun.

Then in the midst of all this last week, we were offered a car. If the car happens, then that means the December bonus can be used on the house (we had planned on the bonus replacing the least reliable of the two cars) and again, we will be further along on that goal of selling in 3 years (this would be the summer daughter transfers from community college to a university to complete her degree).

I see the clear connection to new and improved to old and failing apart when it comes to change and reformation. All in all, this is a fresh start and something we need to weave into our work for protection, abundance and prosperity.

We have been very lucky and fortunate, especially in having someone who can help us, yet I think we are both rather gobsmacked and reeling from all the changes that have just happened.

Killing the ones we love

479px-Bald_Eagle_PortraitI made a decision Friday that is devastating and irrevocable. It was necessary and had to be done; I know it was the right decision but I am horribly sad and grieving. Sorry for the tease, I won’t be sharing it here as it has nothing to do with this journal – only the aftershocks does.

Yesterday, I decided to keep busy running errands and we headed off to the store. I spotted a beautiful Red Tailed Hawk flying in circles (he flew relatively close right over my car) and pulled over in the parking lot to watch for a moment. Later, as I pulled around to park, a large shadow crossed my car and I looked up again to see his mate.

They were flying high, circling together, supporting each other and taking the long view.

That morning I had impatiently pulled a card from my Druid Animal Oracle. I was in the whatever-the-fuck-okay-I’ll-do-this-it-means-nothing-nothing-means-anything mood and got The Eagle. Because of how I pulled it, I don’t know if it was right side up or reversed.

The Eagle has many of the same qualities as The Hawk – wide view, focused attention, staying on target, striking at the right moment; however, where he deviates is his connection to Heaven and Earth, Heart and Mind, and the balance between them.  He has a stronger connection to Grace, Courage, the Spiritual World of Heaven and reducing the over analytical thinking mind and allowing the intuition from the heart to have its say.

After I told Grenwinae about pulling the card and seeing the Hawks, he remembered a dream he had the night before that he had planned on telling me (I’m sure in the morning chaos and anger that got lost in the shuffle):

He was waiting for me in a building. Noticing they had an atrium, he went over to sit under a tree. He heard a bunch of noise above him and saw three mature Bald Eagles in the branches. He thought: “I have to tell Becky about this!”

No, I didn’t feel cured of my despondency or even better about what I decided to have done but I know it was the right and correct decision, no matter how painful and devastating. Sometimes you have to see the big picture and have the courage to make the break – to order the hangman’s noose, to pull the lever and press the plunger.

I am still too heartbroken to figure out the entire message here. I am not surprised that an Animal Guide had to go sideways  – through Grenwinae – to reach me during this time as I have put up barriers so I can weather through this.

I’ll think about it later. When I’ve picked up all the broken pieces of my heart and get back to doing more than just functioning.



Friday morning Grenwinae took son to his first court appearance. This is all part of the bullshit that has been happening these last 3 weeks. As part of his scholarship he had to volunteer. When he volunteered they put him in the beverage tent and he was racking up beers which the beverage manager was to distribute. Well, boss didn’t check an ID and my son got ticketed!

A lawyer has been hired and they went last Friday to get the next court date scheduled. It is one reason why he has been full of crabbiness. But hello…! It was not my fault you delayed your volunteer work till the last minute and than got into this fix.

So after some of that brouhaha, Grenwinae and I thought we do a quick run to Lowes and get some lights we needed for the kitchen. The operable words here “quick run.” Well as you can guess…


The skies were still overcast and there was a short break in torrential downpours. As I turned into the Lowes parking lot there are two guys trying to get something out of a tree. At first, I thought it was a baby bird but than realized the sound was a kitten.

The kitten struggled, they dropped it, it ran under some nearby cars. Okay, okay we are taking an orphaned kitten home because I am not going to let it get killed on the most dangerous intersection in Tulsa, Oklahoma (yes it is officially this for the State). I would not have been able to sleep at night knowing that we had let that kitten out there.

Our best guess is mom was moving her kittens in the storm and this one got separated from the group. Mom, being feral, was not going to come out with all these people about even if she was still around. Or she might have been killed herself and couldn’t come back.

It was pretty weak, obviously a feral kitten that is about 4 weeks or younger, covered with fleas. I wondered if it would survive the first day but it picked up with food and has now gained weight and is active.

It WILL NEED A HOME… luckily it has beautiful coloring so once we get it thoroughly de-fleaed and it’s first check up I’m looking for a foster home where it can be around other kittens and learn how to be a cat.


The next day Grenwinae went to OKC to take son to Norman, OK where he will be started OU this summer. Son discovers a trapped bird in the net MIL had spread over her fish pond to prevent cats from eating the fish.

Grenwinae “bird whispers” it and it lies passively while he cuts it free. Then it flew off. An amazing adventure for him.

The kitten though is still here….

Did not kill him so give me a gold star

This has been our life here for the last month with son readying to transfer to his college and preparing for dorm life.

He has been reverting back to his old habits which are so influenced by his learning disability – angry because things are not going fast enough or his way right now! Speaking in an angry, hostile voice (lovely memories of my brother D) to us while wanting us to spend hundreds of dollars on his needs right now – no you do not need a new office chair, you do not need a bookcase (that isn’t going to fit in your campus apartment anyway) and yes because you dragged your ass around this morning we are running behind of schedule but you can’t move in until Monday and this is Sunday so chill the fuck out!


Now Grenwinae is driving him away – I do not feel sad. I am not sniffling and wiping away a tear. I am about ready to do an intense smudging cleanse on my house and enjoy the next 24 hours of PEACE AND QUIET!

He will be at his grandmothers house in two hours – to do what? He will have nothing to do for hours on end and the car is stuffed (so no buying groceries, bookshelves, office chair or a bike). He will have to wait until Monday morning when he gets his school ID to move in because the dumb ass was too tired last time he was there to wait in line and get his friggin’ stupid ID that he needs to move into his college apartment.

Good luck! My husband is going to need it!

Iron fist, velvet glove


Right now diplomacy is needed. I would rather kill something and feel the blood on my mouth and the bones cracking between my jaws. But is time for the iron fist in the velvet glove.

I have given notice that my old retired horse will be moved. The landowner has counter-offered in an attempt to get me to stay. I have reciprocated with another counter offer. Now it is time to wait.

My sister has sent me an email – a fishing expedition to worm her way in to get gossip to repeat to my mother. Two months ago, my mom used my brother R. Since my brother D and I are dancing the family tango of not speaking – she has been shunt of any way to get information about me and my kids.

Oh puhlease, you don’t think I know what you are doing? I am the only self-aware member of this family. And if you think because I am generally easy going that I will roll over and play? Hell no.

Just because I don’t raise my voice, throw things against the wall – like people – or kick the computer in a rage, doesn’t mean I can’t handle any of you. The reality is you are far more curious about what I’m up too than I am about you.

Diplomatic letter sent reminding her that decades of non involvement with my children who are now almost 18 and another 21, won’t happen. Too late.  I did remove the part about not attending anyone’s funerals – that seemed a bit too much for an email.

See, I can be a good lion, when I put my mind too it.

Are you a witch?

art_nouveau_black_scrying_mirror_for_divination_black_mirror_face_cinnabarysA few months back I had an experience I met to post about. I’m a bit late with it and I’m still processing it so…

When Grenwinae was off visiting his mom in her city, I went off alone on a junk shopping trip for the shop. When I’m off on these trips I am looking for specific things and one of those things is mirrors  that I can convert to black scrying mirrors.

Buying these mirrors is fun but always a bit tricky when checking out as the store owners want to know what we are going to do with the mirrors. I’ve tried responding  we do a “craft” project with them, but they ask again on what we will be doing and conversation quickly gets convoluted and sticky.

Grenwinae is up front and tells people. His argument is that it is promoting the shop and we could let them know we are in the market for more mirrors, getting an inside track. I’ve watched the confused looks on people’s faces and they don’t get what he is saying anyway!

It goes against my Owl-Nature to be blurting this stuff out to just anyone. I prefer to be secretive about what my plans are.

I disagree with his philosophy because we live in a conservative area and most people would go black scrying mirrors? WTF!? and probably bring out the garlic and the silver crucifix (that is if they were Catholic, but being predominately Baptist or Protestant, they would probably just spit and key my car).

So on this trip, I was at a store where I’ve met the shop owner a few times and thought I’d be honest with her (as Grenwinae suggested). Her husband was in the shop helping her with some heavy furniture. I could tell she was a bit out of patience (he kept correcting her in HER shop) with him – probably hoping he would go home or get some lunch and leave her be!

I’m trying to explain what black scrying mirrors are and what people use them for when he interrupts (think 50 year old, potbellied Good Old Boy, thumbs in pocket, slightly dumb look on his face) with a loud “Are you a Witch!?” HAR HAR he laughs.

I reply with a calm no, but after I left, I was like “of course I’m not a witch…” and a Vulture flies over me. No, I do not identify as a witch… and a hawk stares down at me and watches me go by.

Okay, I don’t really know what I am, but it does not spring to my mind to consider myself a witch. But yet, I’ll have to think more upon that. We always want easy labels but in the long run it doesn’t matter to me – I exist and I do what I want to do.

From now on I just tell people I collect vintage mirrors and resale them online. Enough already!

Spook Central

Friday night we went out of town for an overnight. This is very rare for us and something I want to become a regular part of our life. I hate staying in one place, but money, responsibilities and old cars have combined to keep us in one spot for most of our two decades living in this area.

When we returned to town Saturday we stopped in a nearby outlying area that has a metaphysical shop. I was not enthused. We had been before and to say I wasn’t impressed is to state it mildly. Grenwinae was eager though so we went ahead and visited.

There is a sit down area at the back that obviously is a hang out for locals. The first time we visited the store months back it was filled with a bunch of teen and preteen girls fawning over the male clerk. Yesterday, it was a bunch of women cackling loudly with a television at a high volume blasting the air (no calming music for this store).

I have never been in a metaphysical, new-age or whatever shop you want to call it that has a television blaring with television junk. I found it extremely disruptive and counter-productive to the type of shopping experience I expect from these type of shops. As it was, it was hard for Grenwinae to concentrate while trying to choose a pendulum.

The wipe board at the back of the social area loudly proclaims their next séance, and “witch” meeting (which is actually the Witch and Pagan meetup in town – not a coven or something more nefarious that the sign seems to imply).

This store heavily promotes their psychic readers, and while I occasionally consult some and enjoyed a relationship with a reader in Springfield at Renaissance, the atmosphere and how they write up the descriptions just screams hokey.

Chalk it up to the Leo in me, but don’t try to intimidate me with your knowledge. Don’t shout out your intentions and browbeat me with your abilities. If you think you’re going to spook me because you are a “real dyed in the wool witch,” well I’ll tell you I don’t think the most powerful witches advertise in colored markers on a wipe board.

It’s one reason I don’t worry to much about protections, because my Lion energy can smack down your pseudo-witch façade, and raise that bluff of yours by a thousand.

I did buy some candles because I needed some and can’t find a color candle supplier locally. But overall, the entire episode pissed me off.

conspiracy theory


So after I wrote about the neighbor horse, the resident incompetent idiot saw me feeding and throwing hay over to him. I waited for the phone call bitching me out but nothing happened. Hm.

I decided WTF might as well be hung as a wolf as a lamb, and put a rubber feed bucket at the fence line and upped his feed. And waited.


We got hit by a second wave of ice and low temps so off I went to feed horses. Surprise, there is a new resident on the other side of starving horse. Had no hay bale. I feed my crew and the starving neighbor horse and came back home.

A couple of days passed and more ice coming. I get a group text from the landowner that the “horses all have hay” and an individual text that I had one more round bale on my account (which I figured) after he put out hay for the ponies (which I had requested 10 days prior).


Went out early morning while a second wave of ice was coming in. Plan was to feed and get back home before it got too bad. When I got to the barn – ALL the horses had a round bale out and my rubber feed tub was back under the fenceline on my side.

The auto gate got stuck so I had to call the landowner who came to unstick it and while ice was blowing down our necks he told me that it looked like the gate was blowing fuses as there were several on the ground next to the gate – resident idiot must have replaced and dumped them on the ground. LO tells me “you have to tell me about when things get broken or I won’t know.”


1.) RI (resident idiot) agreed to feed starving horse but HO (horse owner) did not continue supplying money for feed or money to feed. HO has run out of money and can’t afford horse anymore but is ignoring issue.

2.) RI was supposed to put out hay bales with tractor and didn’t because RI is lazy. Remember, RI couldn’t open up a GATE ONCE A DAY because it was too much trouble. RI couldn’t check horse water till 3 p.m. on an ice/snow day because RI would have had to get out of bed.

When LO (landowner) came over and realized no hay for neighbor horse, put bale out.

3.) LO was too embarrassed and put out a hay bale for everyone because the new people would notice the starving neighbor horse.

Well, who knows maybe I’ll find out one day. Meanwhile, I’ll have to up my feed bill till spring. When the Young Horse sells, Big Old Horse will be moved to a full care facility come next winter and I’ll keep only the ponies out there.

I hate boarding my horses. I hate horse barn drama. I hate fools.

(these photos are of my muppet Pony, one of two miniature horses I still have. As you can see they stay out in the snow and ice regardless that they have shelter. Must look for food – as you can tell she’s starving!).

The 24 Plan

You might be asking yourself at this stage what does any of this (the last few posts) have to do with being Pagan, living a Pagan lifestyle or communing with Hawks, Owls and Vultures? Well it has quite a bit to do with it because it is a huge turning point in our life, the axis which will align many stars and change the course of planets.

Our largest debt is on our house mortgage. The house takes up one of our two paychecks each month due to its high amount. Because I’m doing taxes, I have on hand some illuminating numbers:

Expense Item Annual 2014 Goal 2017
House mortgage $20,100 $12,000
Real Estate Taxes (included in mortgage exp) $2482 $800
Utilities (gas, electric, water, trash) $5787 $1500
TOTAL HOUSING $28,369.00 $14,300.00

To sell the house, we have to repair the house. To repair the house, we need money. Now we have money.

Starting March 1st we go to the plan we are calling 24 -24 months to get this house ready to sell and go on the real estate market. The countdown begins in two weeks!

When the house is sold, we plan on buying land and downsizing our 2700 sq. foot house to less than 1,000 small home. The ultimate goal is to get a monthly housing expense (land, utilities, mortgage) to less than $800 a month.

We have a large equity in our home, that if we can sell for what I hope, we could probably put down 1/2 on land AND build a house if it was less than $20,000. At the time this plan goes into effect, our son should be graduating college and daughter transferring to her four year college so our household will be cut in half in terms of expenses for food and utilities as well as living space (square footage) needed to keep us all sane.

Side note: other expenses will rise such as paying for college dorms, helping son get moved and established in a new job – I expect some shifting in the finances, not necessarily an across the board decrease however, living is a huge chunk of monthly, reoccurring expense and what I must cut heading into the end of our working lives before retirement.

My entire energy has to be directed towards getting this house ready! Because it fulfills a 20 year old dream of living in the country, having my horses with me, being able to see nature everyday and deeply satisfying a hunger for my own land that I have had since I was at least 8 years old.

The bankruptcy unexpectedly finishing was like the greatest gift I have been given in a very long time. Whatever, stars aligned for this happen I am deeply appreciative.